Maggie
Kindly make a comment to the poem in terms of the sense of language as a native English speaker Lemon Elegy You waited a lemon for such a long time Lying on the sad and white deathbed. You took a lemon from my hand And bite into it with your beautiful teeth Then the Topaz colored fragrance permeated the air The few drops of gifted lemon juice Brought you back in a flash Your clear blue eyes smiled faintly I felt the vigor through the power you griped my hands You had a storm in your throat On the brink of life Chieko came back to Chieko You put your whole life time of love into this moment And in this moment You took a deep breath like on the peak of the mountain And the engine stopped forever Under the Cherry blossoms offered to your photo I put a fresh, shining lemon today as well. (The poem was written in Japanese originally and I translated it to English. Chieko is the poet's wife who had a mental disease )
Jan 28, 2017 12:49 PM
Answers · 3
Wow, I love the poem. You judge prose in the English language on a completely different scale from poetry in the English language. Judged as poetry written in the English language, I'd call this pretty close to natural. Not perfect, but close. It's very powerful, in any case. If this were my poem, I'd write it like this: You waited for a lemon for such a long time. Lying on that white and sad deathbed. You took a lemon from my hand, And bit into it with your beautiful teeth. And a topaz-colored fragrance filled the air. Those few drops of lemon juice I gave you Brought you right back to me. Your clear blue eyes smiled, faintly. I felt life in the power with which you grasped my hand. There was a storm in your throat. You were on the brink of life. Chieko was once again Chieko. You put a whole lifetime of love into this moment and, In this moment, You took a deep breath like you were standing on a mountaintop. And the engine stopped forever. Under the cherry blossoms offered to your photo, I put a fresh, shining lemon today as well.
January 28, 2017
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