Community Web Version Now Available
猹事_syz32
请评价这首“现代性”的诗 (放在括号内的句子,是我一些原本的想法,它们最后被更好的句子所代替) 《忧郁》 我要开始变得暴力 天天学到很多暴力 无意中表现得戾气【无意中说话带有戾气】 暴力开始变本加厉
Aug 26, 2019 1:01 AM
11
0
Answers · 11
In order to make a rythem, have you ever thought of changing the title 忧郁 into 忧悒😂 I know it's a bit rare though, as 戾气 sounds already very advanced to Chinese nativers. Also there's a thing called 仄起平收 in poem, which may be explained in a tough way like using 第一声 or 第二声 when for the last character when you start, and use 第三声 or 第四声 for the last character at the ending sentence. It can be a bit very complex when we touch 声韵学 / 韵律学😂 I'm not a specialist and might give you only very simple ideas, just so as you know, and tbh I really admire your little poem coz you have already got the consciousness of 押韵 etc, and you did do it very well with lì. When I advice that if you use the same tone in the last character of every sentence, it may feels a bit monotonous, it only shows a higher standard, and you're doing well now. I notice you even try to make the number of characters same in sentence, above all very very written and keep going! 我要开始变得暴力 天天学到很多暴力 无意中表现得戾气【无意中说话带有戾气】 暴力开始变本加厉
August 26, 2019
有意思。不过不太像诗。 你想写古诗,还是现代诗? 题目说“现代性”的诗,但看起来似乎在追求古诗的感觉。 你每一行的最后一个字确实压上“i”韵了,但是写诗时,要注意,不要用相同的字去押韵,(力,力),最好是连同音字也避免,(力,厉),不然,显得缺乏变化。 古诗,用a,ao,an,ang,en来押韵的比较多,用 i 的很少见。 帮你截取了一段李白的《梦游天姥吟留别》,这几句是i韵。 …… 湖月照我影,送我至剡溪。 谢公宿处今尚在,绿水荡漾清猿啼, 脚著谢公屐,身登青云梯。 半壁见海日,空中闻天鸡。 …… 杜甫的《兵车行》,这几句是i韵。 …… 边亭流血成海水,武皇开边意未已。 君不闻,汉家山东二百州,千村万落生荆杞。 纵有健妇把锄犁,禾生陇亩无东西。 况复秦兵耐苦战,被驱不异犬与鸡。 …… 另外,“戾气”是个名词,所以不能说“表现得戾气”,但可以说“带有戾气”,所以,从词性的角度来说,你括号里的那句反而好一些。 还有,平仄方面,上仄下平,上面有人也提到了。
August 26, 2019
同意楼上说的,忧郁和暴力无关,烦躁才会变得暴力。
August 26, 2019
题目和内容不太符。因为“忧郁”和“暴力”意思不同。你可以起名为“躁郁”,或者“烦躁”。
August 26, 2019
猹事_syz32
Language Skills
Chinese (Mandarin), English, Spanish
Learning Language
Chinese (Mandarin)