In order to make a rythem, have you ever thought of changing the title 忧郁 into 忧悒😂 I know it's a bit rare though, as 戾气 sounds already very advanced to Chinese nativers.
Also there's a thing called 仄起平收 in poem, which may be explained in a tough way like using 第一声 or 第二声 when for the last character when you start, and use 第三声 or 第四声 for the last character at the ending sentence. It can be a bit very complex when we touch 声韵学 / 韵律学😂 I'm not a specialist and might give you only very simple ideas, just so as you know, and tbh I really admire your little poem coz you have already got the consciousness of 押韵 etc, and you did do it very well with lì. When I advice that if you use the same tone in the last character of every sentence, it may feels a bit monotonous, it only shows a higher standard, and you're doing well now.
I notice you even try to make the number of characters same in sentence, above all very very written and keep going!