Please help me find mistakes in this email (you can also refine or improve it).
Dear xxx,

The overseas scholarship that covers all of my tuition fees is crucial for me to study at UCL. The notification of this scholarship is also a critical document to support my application for UK Visa and many other related materials. So that, please notify me the result of this scholarship as soon as possible. I think 15th August 2010 is a bit too late for me to finish the remaining steps to study aboard. I wonder whether the notification could be given in July this year.

Could you call me when you get time?

Thank you for your patient help. I really appreciate it.

Yours sincerely,
xxxx.

Question

Please help me find mistakes in this email (you can also refine or improve it).
Dear xxx,

The overseas scholarship that covers all of my tuition fees is crucial for me to study at UCL. The notification of this scholarship is also a critical document to support my application for UK Visa and many other related materials. So that, please notify me the result of this scholarship as soon as possible. I think 15th August 2010 is a bit too late for me to finish the remaining steps to study aboard. I wonder whether the notification could be given in July this year.
 
Could you call me when you get time? 

Thank you for your patient help. I really appreciate it.

Yours sincerely,
xxxx.

Answer

Dear xxx,

I am writing regarding the notification of my scholarship result that is due to be released this summer.

I will be making several applications in support of my study at UCL (including a UK Visa) therefore it would be extremely beneficial to me if I am able to know the scholarship result at the earliest date possible, preferably during July.  If the result were only made available by mid August, I am concerned this may leave me insufficient time to complete the necessary applications for studying abroad.

I would be very grateful if I could talk to you about this at a convenient opportunity.

Thank you for your assistance, it is very much appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

The Cookie Monster