This is a song that i wrote, would you please correct it for me ^^ ( I'm Mine ) Time after time i became n't like me As i've lost too much of me, as became your slave & whatever i do you always k

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This is a song that i wrote, would you please correct it for me ^^ ( I'm Mine ) Time after time i became n't like me As i've lost too much of me, as became your slave & whatever i do you always keep to blame You always find me mistaken, fine me misbehave I've got tired more than what that i can tell, As i've left all my desires seeking for your will Now i'm done with all your orders & controls I'll figure out some way to save what's left of me No, i won't take it anymore & someday you'll find me gone & then you should n't ask for rewind 'cause when i would go, i won't look behind Freedom would be mine, Yes my freedom will be mine For so long i've lost that feeling to be in control I will gain my soul back, Gain my love back, Gain all my life No i won't be yours, i will be mine I'm n't saying you're n't good I'm n't saying i hate you But your love is n't enough to make me stay around Your words are so painful, Are so hurtful, Push me out the door And now i'm n't yours, 'cause i'm Mine.

Mar 27, 2011 8:32 PM

Answers · 9

As a songwriter, I can't say much without also knowing the music. My only nitpicks are: - your use of "n't" when you should use "not". The problem is that "n't" cannot stand alone - it needs to be part of a full contraction (can't, won't, aren't, doesn't...). In this case it either has no stress, or a weak stress. "Not" should have a strong stress. - be careful of the pronouns. I saw you used "me" when you should have used "myself" or even "I'll". Even with a great melody, this will damage the song through bad grammar. You can only stretch grammar so far before it becomes clearly wrong. Huge kudos for writing a song in your second language. :)

March 27, 2011

(I'm Mine) Time after time I became unlike me. As I've lost too much of myself, as I became your slave And whatever I do you always keep blaming me You always find me mistaken, find me misbehaving I've gotten tired more than what that I can tell, As I've left all my desires seeking for your will Now i'm done with all your orders and controls I'll figure out some way to save what's left of me No, I won't take it anymore And someday you'll find me gone And then you shouldn't ask for a rewind 'Cause when I would go, I won't look behind Freedom would be mine, Yes my freedom will be mine For so long I've lost that feeling to be in control I will gain my soul back, Gain my love back, Gain all my life No I won't be yours, I will be mine I'm not saying you're not good I'm not saying I hate you But your love is not enough to make me stay around Your words are so painful, Are so hurtful, Push me out the door And now I'm not yours 'cause i'm Mine.

March 28, 2011