Molly, you are a skilled illustrator. I really like your drawing. I assume that you used photos to guide you as you sketched. I can see that you could have a future as an illustrator for books and magazines. Unfortunately, as you discovered, entry-level jobs in that field do not pay very well. (And by the way, I have been to Chengdu and it IS a beautiful city.)
As for your essay, there are some very basic things you must learn to bring your writing up to a higher standard. Rather than re-write the whole essay, I will teach one important guideline.
There are 2 types of clauses in writing:
(1) an <em>independent clause</em>, which can stand alone as a complete sentence, and
(2) a <em>dependent clause, </em>which cannot stand alone as a sentence.
You can join a <em>dependent clause </em>and an <em>independent clause</em> with just a comma between them. However, if you want to join 2 <em>independent clauses</em>, you must use a 'joining word' after the comma.
Using this rule we can rewrite the beginning of your essay in two ways ...
Hello everyone, I'm <em>M</em>olly. I graduated from <em>college</em> this summer.
Hello everyone, I'm <em>M</em>olly, and I graduated from <em>college</em> this summer.
The phrase<em> 'Hello everyone'</em> is a dependent clause and cannot stand alone, but it can be joined with the next independent clause (<em>'I'm Molly.'</em>) with just a comma.
The phrase <em>'I graduated from college this summer'</em> is an independent clause -- a complete sentence by itself, and so it can only be joined with the phrase <em>'I'm Molly'</em> by using a joining word ... such as <em>'and'</em>.
You DID use a joining word correctly in the next sentence:
Actually, my major is Industrial Design, <em>but</em> I <em>think</em> I am not good at it.
I'm sure you're familiar with other joining words, such as <em>'so', 'because',</em> and <em>'however'</em>. I hope this very basic rule will help you in future writings.
Good luck in your job search!