Practicing IELTS writing task 2: Do professional athletes make good role models for young people?

Professional athletes are people who live for their sport: they train during all the year and sometimes for many years just to partecipate in a competition they want to win.
Nowadays some of these athletes are very famous all over the world and the question if they are a good example for younger people seems to be always more important.
Athletes have to be strong, determinated and asbolutely focused on their objectives. This behaviour can be very motivating for young people and adolescents. If a boy struggles to reach an higher mark in math, for example, he should know that he can, but only with a lot of excercise, exactly as his "idol" (a football player maybe?) can improve his skils with a lot of training. The success of athletes can teach that everything is possible with the right effort.
On the other hand, it is absolutely important to consider that the way athletes live their life can have a negative influence on teenagers.
Professional athletes are not "common" people. They are people who chose to sacrifice everything for their passion. They have to follow a strict diet, to train all day and all days, to travel around the world for competitions, to leave (sometimes) their family, friends and lovers for reaching the objectives.
Is it a good example for young people? It is right to have a goal and to be ambitious, but also to be realistic and open-minded. The job (and the math mark) is not everything. Neither be always the first is so important.
Overall, athletes are a good example of what we can do when we really care about something. But we, and our children, don't have to forget that life is not a competition: every person lay by his own and, at the end, there will not be a winner.


I wrote it in 40 minutes as will be at the exam.
Please, correct any mistakes :)
Thank you!

1)  Perhaps you can say " during the year " or " all year round " 

2) participate - spelling 

3) You need a transition word(but,because,so, etc.) here because the sentence is pretty long. Nowadays can be put a little later in the sentence, it shows more finess and proffesionalism. 

 Some of these athletes are very famous all over the world nowadays, and how good of an example they are seems to always be more important.

4) a and not an       It would be more proffesional if you use "boys" instead of "a boy" because you are talking in general and not in particular.

5) he should know that he can, but only with a lot of exercise, be exactly

      when you use   sentence comma sentence comma sentence 

                          the blue sentences should be able to continue as a sentence   

6) lives - because you are talking about athletes(plural)

7) They have to      follow a strict diet, train every day, travel around the world for competitions, leave their families, friends and lovers for their objectives 

    They have to ---- do what?   is the way you should think   so no need to keep adding "to" for each

     family - families because of plural , also you used friends, lovers in plural so you have to keep them in the same format. 

8) Neither being always first is important 

9) should remember that life is not a competition - it's much smoother than using two " not " and easier to understand 

I didn't understand the last sentence so if you could make that clear for me I can check it. 

But that's it for now, Good Job!!! I agree with what you say.