I'm a U.S. speaker and this is British colloquial language, so I'm not sure, but I'll try anyway. "I'm annoyed. Two weeks ago I was in a bar talking to an attractive woman, thinking I was doing well, when a tough-looking guy came up and started to act belligerent. I don't know why. I didn't think he was serious, but he wouldn't stop. I think he must have been drunk. The next thing I knew, the police arrived and arrested him before he could escape. What a nuisance."

This text is 'super-annoying', as you say. Don't worry about it. It isn't a real story. Someone has written this text deliberately BECAUSE it's full of language that you wouldn't be expected to understand. The writer is trying to confuse you. They have taken a list of examples of working class (mainly) London slang, and invented an totally artificial piece of text containing as many of them as they could possibly cram into six sentences. Basically, the writer is saying two things: * Hey, isn't British English weird and funny? * Hey, aren't I clever? I've managed to use every "Britishism" I can think of in only six sentences! It doesn't even sound natural. For example, the last comment means "What nonsense!", in the sense of "What a lot of lies", which isn't even relevant to the rest of the story. Nobody would really say "What a load of bollocks" at the end of this story. It doesn't make sense. The writer just wanted to tick this amusing comment off their list of "funny things that Brits say". And by "funny", the writer means "things which Americans don't say". For example, the writer cleverly slipped in the word "fortnight", which is something that Americans see as typically British. I even suspect that this was written by American. It's the equivalent of a British person trying to write cowboy dialogue full of 'Howdy pardner' and suchlike. If you're planning to spend your life watching soap operas and old cop shows set in London's East End, you might find one or two of these phrases useful to aid your comprehension of the (not entirely natural) dialogue. Otherwise, it's a complete waste of your time.

In this scenario it means this. I was shocked mate! 2 weeks ago down the pub, I was having a chat with an attractive woman, feeling pretty happy with myself, when an aggressive looking man starts to act aggressively towards me. I didn't know what he wanted nor did I know him. I thought he was joking, but he wouldn't stop being aggressive. I think he was on drugs. Next thing I know the police arrive and arrested him before he could make an escape. in England the phrase "off your tits" usually means the person is on drugs. A lot of this is London slang and is something we wouldn't hear in Leeds. In the opening sentence "bloody hell mate" it's more likely the speaker is likely to be talking in the mood of surprise, since his is telling a story to a friend that happened 2 weeks ago.

I just feel like its super annoying bc i barely can't understand it !!!!