The first one is "I'm standing here judging you, you big fucking bellend." Which is an insult not unlike 'dickhead'. And he's talking about eating a Terry's Chocolate Orange in the part after “But as far as you’re aware I did have a bowl of fruit, so I should be commended.” I'll try to transcribe that part, but it might take me a minute! As a disclaimer, I've only lived in the UK for about a year, so I am by no means an expert. I am a fan of this comedian though, and he's often on game show programs, so I have had a bit of practice listening to him.

He says 'bellend' lol. It's a slang term for penis, or more accurately the head of the penis. Pretty common as a playground insult. Then he says 'I had a fucking Terry's chocolate orange mate' http://img.tesco.com/Groceries/pi/031/7622210497031/OutofPack/Lidoff_540x540.jpg This is a Terry's chocolate orange. Terry's is the manufacturer. It's a popular type of chocolate in the UK.

Barbara: One thing that might help you a little to understand this accent better is to know that the “i” in many words is pronounced as an ”e”, so that for instance “pig” sounds like “peg” and “middle” sounds like “medal”.

Thanks, Paul

Kevin Bridges is Glaswegian, it's in the top three most difficult British accents to understand for sure. I really love the sound of it though.