Am I right to correct the sentence by this way?
Every spare moment of our time is being filled with some form of commercial connection, making time itself the most scarce of all resources.

The corrected one:
Every spare moment of our time is being filled with some form of commercial connection, which makes time itself the most scarce of all resources.

Question

Am I right to correct the sentence by this way?
Every spare moment of our time is being filled with some form of commercial connection, making time itself the most scarce of all resources. 

The corrected one: 
Every spare moment of our time is being filled with some form of commercial connection, which makes time itself the most scarce of all resources.

Answer

Both sentences are correct. You did a good job of changing the sentence structure whilst maintaining the same meaning. Bravo! This shows an advanced understanding of English grammar. :)

Answer

Your sentence is not a correction. It is just a variation on the first one. Although your sentence is correct, the first one is better.

Answer

I was just curious of your question, and it revealed to me
a very interesting fact in the meaning of it!
Thank you!

لا تفوّت فرصة تعلّم لغة جديدة وأنت مرتاح في منزلك. تصفّح مجموعتنا المختارة من مدرّسي اللغات ذوي الخبرة وسجّل في درسك الأول الآن!