Busca entre varios profesores de Inglés...
Valentina C.
Ielts writing essay, 1^ part: What factors are related to academic success in high school students? A gigantic thank you for your help! soon the II part of the essay Academic success in teen students is nowadays not that guaranteed as it used to be in the past, when social-economical status was a dominant factor. It is true that, statistically, students with better possibilities also gain better results, but we might consider that the era we live in is carachterized by many elements that change the general scenario, such as the multicultural advantage, the continuous technological stimulations and the change of attitudes - from an anthropological perspective. In those who have particular inclination for study, many times competitivity is a key for success: they not only have to reach results, but they have to keep up to them and always be on alert if they want those results to mature for a desiderd future – at a prestigious college, for example. In cases of poor attitude towards study and/or discomfort with teachers, family plays a fundamental role: if there is a stable and healthy domestic situation, the student is more likely to be mentally protected and motivated. Having the chance to count on family members (and I believe that good friends are as much as important) is a huge priviledge that nobody should undermine. Another important factor to consider, in my personal opinion, is that students must be free to chose and cultivate a passion, or a sport. Team sports, for example, are extremely important for socialization, and that contributes by all means to one’s personal growth and, in consequence, to a good attitude at school. Besides, everyone at that age should have enough free time to be spent in the best and healthier ways, stimulating mind and body. Sometimes students are overload with extra curricular activities, which are surely critical for the next steps of their education and important for a more promising career; but sometimes the stress is too much and not productive: I think it is also important for them to cherish simple free time, disconnected by school, empowering for the next day.

Correcciones · 8

1
Ielts writing essay, 1^ part: What factors are related to academic success in high school students?

A gigantic thank you for your help! soon the II part of the essay

Academic success in for teenage students is nowadays not that as guaranteed as it used to be was in the past, when social-economical socio-economic status was a dominant factor.

1/ "In" would normally be used if talking about something which was a characteristic of the person. For example "The desire to achieve has increased dramatically in teenage students", etc. Where it's something that they are getting (academic success, employment opportunities, etc) "for" is a more common choice.
1A/ "Teen" is OK, but it's more commonly used as a noun rather than an adjective.
2/ When using a comparison, you would use "as"; "nowadays it is not AS common as it once was". "That" would be used for something more absolute; "getting a 100% pass mark is not THAT common".
3/ "Used to be in the past" is tautological; if it "used to be", then by definition it was "in the past".
4/ The usual term for a combination of social status and economic opportunity is "socio-economic'.

It is true that, statistically, students with better possibilities opportunities also gain better results, but we might consider that the era we live in is carachterized characterised by many elements that change the that general scenario, such as the multicultural advantage, the continuous technological stimulations and the change of attitudes - from an anthropological perspective.

1/ "Possibilities" and "opportunities" are related but not really interchangeable. A possibility is something that could, theoretically happen. An opportunity is a chance to do something, typically something which isn't available to everyone. For example someone from a well connected family may be invited to enrol in a top tier university. That is an opportunity. If they have 5 such offers, then there is a possibility that they might accept any one of them.
2/ You are referring to the "general scenario" that you have described; therefore it would be better to use "that scenario" (in the sense of "the scenario that I just mentioned").
3/ I'm not quite sure what you mean by "multicultural advantage" here; it could be "such as multiculturalism providing opportunities to people who may not have had them in the past".
4/ "continuous technological stimulations" sounds a bit... odd. Or certainly the last word does in this context. "the continuous evolution of technology", perhaps?

For In those who have a particular inclination for study, many times competitivity competitiveness is a key for to success: they not only have to reach produce results, but they have to keep up to them and always be on alert if they want those results to mature for a desiderd desired future – at a prestigious college, for example.

1/ Similar to what I wrote above, this is something that applies to those people rather than being part of them. I'd therefore use For rather than In.
2/ I would probably say "to study" rather than "for study", but you could argue that either way.
3/ Something is always a key to something else. (Unless that something else is a lock, and the key is a literal rather than figurative key.)
4/ You don't reach results; you reach goals, or produce results.
5/ Unfortunately you lost me with the rest of the sentence. When I started reading it I thought that the "results" might have been assignment and test scores, but I don't see how you can "keep up to them" - unless you meant something like "they not only have to produce results, but keep producing them over time"? If you are talking about things like academic scores, they don't really mature; you may have meant "if they want those results to bear fruit and create a desired future...". I may be off base, but that's my best guess.

I'm likely to be out of characters at this point so I'll continue in a later correction.
0
Correction of Part 2 from the comments:

A terrible issue that afflicts our children, nowadays, is bullism bullying. Probably it has always been there, but never as stressed as in these days, with the domination of the internet.

1/ I'm not sure that "stressed" works here. In the context of something being emphasised, it usually requires someone to DO that stressing. In this case however it is something that people are noticing without any particular person stressing it. Either "prominent" or "noticeable" might be good substitutes.
2/ "Dominance" is another word that may not quite fit, because it implies that the internet rules over us. (For some people it probably does, I'll admit, but many still know where the "Off" switch is..) I would probably go with "pervasiveness" or "prevalence".
3/ "The internet" is OK, but the problem is less the internet as such and more the subset of it called "social media" which is frequently anything BUT "social".

Therefore my opinion is that there cannot be a safe and healthy school environment without a psycologist psychologist with whom students can freely talk and let out off some steem steam in case of need when they need to.

1/ "Let out some steam" isn't grammatically wrong, but the standard metaphor is "let off".
2/ Similarly "in case of need" is grammatically correct, but you would rarely hear a native speaker use "need" with it. ("In case of emergency" is a common expression, but for whatever reason "in case of need" isn't.)

We might should pay particular attention to this subject;if we fail to do so scholars students would inevitabily inevitably associate school to with a bad feeling, and this is always damaging for to their academic success.

1/ "We might" means that "There is some possibility that we may, perhaps, do something in the future". However I suspect that your intention is to say that "there is a need, or obligation, or duty for us to do something". For that, the word "should" is used. It's not an exact comparison, but it's roughly the difference between "potremmo fare qualcosa" and "dovremmo fare qualcosa".
2/ I've added "if we fail to do so" because without it, the sentence is saying "No matter what, students will have negative feelings about school".
3/ I would not recommend using "scholars" for "students". While it is true that students study and are technically "scholars", the Oxford dictionary describes that meaning as archaic. The word "scholar" is usually reserved for academics who study in a specialised area at an advanced level.
4/ You associate something with, not to, something else. (You can "relate" something to something else, but "associate" uses "with".)
5/ Conversely something is always damaging to something else.

(In fact, it is well known that students must feel at ease while learning to be successful.)

1/ I may be being a bit pedantic, but there is no requirement that they be at ease (in fact many aren't), but it IS a requirement for success.

A good teacher, in these cases, could really make the difference by being always aware of the dynamics running in his class, and alerting parents or psycologist the school psychologist, if necessary.

1/ It's not wrong, but the more conventional word order would be "always being aware". That's because "being aware" is the thing that the teacher should "always" be doing.
2/ If you get a more politically correct marker, they may take exception to seeing "his" there. It's true that these days "his or her" would be the more common way of saying this.

In conclusion, there are many factors that contribuite contribute to academic success; we could never prescind from a fail to consider both personal and collective wellbeing and attitude, from good leisure time and social interactions, let alone and the supervision of good leaders and specialistic figures specialists.

1/ I had to look up the word "prescind", and there aren't many non-technical words that I need to look up. The dictionary describes it as "formal", but I'd suggest that it's "formal to the point of extinction". Even the spell checker in my browser didn't recognise it. I doubt that you will find it outside of the most obscure academic papers, and certainly the average reader, even a reasonably well educated one, would look blankly at it.
2/ "Specialistic", on the other hand, is easily understood... but the word is rarely used in every day English.

I have been told that my writing is too intricate, I'm trying to keep it simple for the IELTS test.

I think that's a fair assessment. Simple doesn't always have to mean simplistic; there is a happy medium.

If you spend extra time on this, I'd like to repay you: could you be interested in an Italian lesson? I'm a professional teacher on the platform

Very kind of you to offer, but I never accept any form of quid pro quo for these corrections. That said, I liked the look of your lesson structure so if a gap comes up in my study schedule I may very well be in touch!
0
Part 2; please read part 1 first.
In cases of poor attitude towards study and/or discomfort with teachers, family plays a fundamental role; if there is a stable and healthy domestic situation, the student is more likely to be mentally protected and motivated. Having the chance to count on family members (and I believe that good friends are as much as equally important) is a huge priviledge privilege that nobody should undermine underestimate.

1/ You use a colon (: ) if you are about to start a list. If you want to start another phrase or clause in the sentence, you use a semi-colon (; )
2/ "As much as" is usually used to refer to the maximum of a quantity; for example "As much as 40% of Rome's wheat came from Egypt". It can also refer to other types of limits; "As much as I like you, I don't intend to go into business with you".
3/ "Undermine" means to sabotage, either literally or figuratively. For example, "The Prime Minister was undermined by his deputy". You may in fact have meant "undermine", but I don't think that behaviour is common in this kind of context.

Another important factor to consider, in my personal opinion, is that students must be free to chose and cultivate a passion, or a sport. Team sports, for example, are extremely important for socialization, and that contributes by all means greatly to one’s personal growth and, in consequence consequently, to a good attitude at school.

1/ "By all means" has a couple of different meanings in English, but I'm afraid that this isn't one of them. You may also have meant "by various means", which says that there are multiple ways in which the sport contributes to personal growth.
2/ You could also say "as a consequence".

Besides, everyone at that age should have enough free time to be spent spend in the best and healthier healthiest ways, stimulating mind and body.

1/ We're talking about an ongoing activity, past, present and future. "I spend my time doing X, Y and Z".
2/ Healthier is a comparative term, so you'd need to describe what it is relative to; "Swimming is healthier than eating a burger after work". In this case you are referring to the healthiest possible ways.

Sometimes students are overloaded with extra curricular activities, which are surely critical for the next steps of their education and important for a more promising career; but sometimes the stress is too much and not productive. I think it is also important for them to cherish simple free time, disconnected by from school, and empowering them for the next day.

1/ Overload" is a verb; the adjective is "overloaded".
2/ You disconnect FROM something, not by it.
This is well written; good luck with the essay results.

¿Quieres avanzar más rápido?

¡Únete a esta comunidad de aprendizaje y prueba ejercicios gratuitos!

No pierdas la oportunidad de aprender un idioma desde la comodidad de tu casa. ¡Explora nuestra selección de profesores de idiomas con experiencia e inscríbete ya en tu primera clase!

Empieza a aprender hoy