CAE writing task. I'm happy for corrections..:-)

Writing task:
An international magazine for young people has asked readers to send in articles on the topic of " Computer games - a complete waste of time and money". Write an article supporting or disagreeing with the statement, and give your reasons.
(220-260 words).



Heading: Computer games can change your mind

Do you love computer games or hate them? Whatever your point of view, you’re not alone! In some hardship

(in this case you wouldn't want to use the word "hardship." it's a very awkward word and rarely used in english, I would substitute it with "of the worst") 

cases, such games can bring about extreme reactions in people and even tend to cause them to disappear from the picture completely. Why is this? Maybe one reason is an addiction to overexert/challenge oneself in a fake mission which doesn‘t exist in reality.

There is a huge set

("set" is the direct object, so the verb must be singular :] )

of topics on computer games, such as role-playing and action-adventure games. But keep in mind, having cutting edge software or hardware requires deep pockets.

A more considerable aspect which should be taken seriously by everyone is that computer games are still being still criticized, particularly related to the violence, health and social relations that have become commonly associated with video gaming in general. Thus, a change of characteristic behavior based on being situated in a constantly surreal world, is by all means possible! (I'm not sure what you're trying to say here and how it's related to the rest of the paragraph. no offense :p)

On a personal note, people should better dedicate themselves to other activities that are worthy productive. Build new relationships, keep up your friendships and share experiences together. Why not join a network community where you can socialize and get useful benefits for your job career as well? However, this should be treated with caution too. But don´t you think this is a better investment than putting any effort in computer games where you can get the risk mutating into a maverick? I'd say yes!

It seems like you have a great understanding of the English language and are going out of your way to learn American idioms and doing a great job at it. English is a very inefficient and difficult language grammar-wise and can be especially difficult to learn native idioms if you're not from the United States or an English speaking country. Great job though!