made a decision i took a travel to foreign country for the first time and thought it may ease my anxious which have been continued for a few months, but after i went back for work a month everything came back and even went worse. traveling is not helping. so i finally made the bravest and most adventurous decision, other than just do something to make myself forget worry about my career, i wanna quit the job and change to a new career. i listen to those speech which encourages people to find something that you really love to do and how important it is for life, but never dare to take actions, i always wanna relieve the anxious by some small changes, maybe they will never work. i know i won't regret, i'm just afraid to find how snobbish i am finally.

1 st in 2017 I should say 2017 really gives me a struck just at its beginning. A lot of work and some of them I even don't know the direction to make them right. Some unworkable critics come and most terrible for me —— I had a little confict with someone else. I couldn't help crying in the restroom, trying not to be awared. I was so hurt that I just wanna take some actions but not just wait, why I have to suffer this. I never felt so frustrated before because I couldn't find the reason to resist anymore. Then I heard a speech from Opera Whinfrey which is so inspiring, and it did work for a few minutes. Then the weekend came and I have been in the worry of going back to work during the weekend. Finally Monday comes. I tried to calm myself down from thinking what to do next, and try to fix something, but things are still not going well, I made a even bigger mistake than last week. Actually the conflict happend in last week is just some misunderstanding, it didn't cause any consequence, but what I did today can be a little disaster. I've been so nervous for a whole day and try to do something else to delay the result that I should face. I got through it very easily when I turn to it, after a lot of struggle in mind. On the way back from work, I heard that speech again. I felt peace finally. I just need to get used to frustration, failure, critics, if I wanna go out of my comfortable area and push the bar higher. I got so many side effects just because I've never been out of it before. It's not like finding something to do for myself when feel life becomes monotonus, like reading or working on vacabulary. Hope this is the real peace.

a flash that may help Yesterday I went shopping with one of my co-workers, she has a huge problem with the director of our office who is indeed very annoyed. She told me that our team will be splited after the spring festival, and colleages of other two majors will go to other office so that THE director will be only our team's director. After heard about how worried and distressed she was, I also felt things have been worse since I began my career more than 1 year ago. Because the organization has been changed for 2 times already, this unstable status means unsustainable. This feelings make me even more anxious when The director give some assignment to me, even I'm afraid to talk to him, I don't want to look at him or listen to him.I asked my husband if I'm the one who always wanna do something but never let myself get through those messes. When I'm on the bus back from work, I suddenly found that it is none of others' business but mine, it is the chance that let me get through the defect that always been influenced by others easily, if I can focus on what I need to do, those persons I don't like are not the key factors, they are just the part of my work. whatever is going on, I need to get the skills to choose stay or go anytime.

3rd Diary_2016.12.14 Last night made a phone call with my old colleage at university, she gave me a big lecture, but useful for me more or less. Everytime finding a careless mistake frustrates me a lot, actually I know I can change it if I pay enough attention to the things I'm doing, but when a lot of things especially the deadline come along, I can't help being anxious and can't concentrate. After work I tell myself to be patient and calm down, but it doesn't work when things come. I had a dream about my director last night, he became very kind in the dream——very different from he is in the true life. Strangely, I feel less scared of him after the dream. Maybe fear just comes from my imagination more or less, mayge things not that bad in the reality.

Second Diary_2016.12.12 This is my 2nd diary here. After the 1st one I've felt much better, even better than I wrote in Chinese. Maybe it's a kind of proof that you seize a little skill or get a little progress that could give you some relief. I've been prepared to travel Switzerland duaring spring festival vacation since last weekend. Preparing for a journey is an interesting thing, it includes getting to know the culture,landscape,transportation,accomodation and all of things about one place, it needs to learn the experience from those who have been there, and combine it with my own preference and give a new plan finally. The plan has almost finished, just need to wait for the passport.I can't help imagine the fantastic view there, but I'm not sure if there will be a positive effect to get far away from my normal life for a few days , or just make me tired of this life style more. I find that doing something with an exact purpose will be disappointed in a high possibility, so I should do everything just for self-promoted but anything else, judgements from others are just references, not standards. but this thought makes me more anxious becaose I realize how weak I am. So just do something and stick to them.

First Diary 2016.12.09 This is my first diary here. I have a very strong power to write my feelings down these days, so I come here. I've been depressed by my work stuff for a couple of months, I tried to be positive, tried to focus on some specific things such as sports and reading, but none of them worked. I think I'm the "thinking way too much" kind of person, and those useless thoughts have even influence my normal work, but the further I wanna escape from them, the harder I could concentrate. How ironic it is... I wanna be the best of me, I wanna do something special, I wanna be the irreplaceable, like anyone else around me. Everyday I see other colleages struggle to show their specialty to the boss, and then, I look at myself——nothing could be sparkel, I've continued to find defects on me, but trying to change seems to need time or ambitious, I'm trying with no confidence. I've been seeing the conflict among those directors, I've been heard the difficulties our company is facing, everybody fight for benefits and escape from duties in the meeting, I'm wondering if I've been too negative to see the positive side, or I should just focus on self development regardless what is going on aroud me. But turning to be insensitive is not so easy for the person like me. Maybe everyone could tell that I'm a total loser from this diary, evenif I'm still trying to do something, I memorize English words, read English book and watch English news for over 3 hours a day after work, This is my only hope that can give my life a little change day by day, So I come here and hope to keep writing something down for a period of time. Life is a long journey, so I know not a single thing could represent the success, only making myself to be a little better every single day is meaningful. Besides, nowhere is my destination.