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Please help polish my speech.Thanks!

Hi everyone, I joined Toastermaster Club in my company and will initiate my P1 speech next week. Below is the script I'm preparing. Due to limit space for notebook entry, I have to start discussion here.Sorry for the inconvinience. I'll appreciate it if anyone who could help with polishing my script. Any advice and suggestions are welcomed.Thanks.

 

 

Evening everyone,

 

I’m Taylor Zhang from BPSC supply chain. I’m very delighted and honored to be here to deliver my P1 speech. Because it gives me a good opportunity to meet new friends here and let you know who I am and what kind of personality I have.

 

Frankly speaking, I am a girl of a little bit heroism. I remembered when I was a little girl of 6 years old, my father took me to my relative’s house in the rural area for summer holidays. I was very excited because that was an amazing place. There are a lot of trees and flowers everywhere. The sky was blue, the river was clean and the air was refreshing. You can also enjoy the happy sunshine there. But the most important reason was that I would have playmate, my cousin who’s 2 years younger than I. We could play games together. That would be fun and we would have great time. One day, we went to the riverside to play the plastic toy boat. Suddenly I heard my cousin screaming:” my boat, my boat”, and then I just saw the boat was floating on the river. At that moment, without any second thought, I just jumped into the river, trying to get back the boat for my cousin. In no time did I realize that I couldn’t swim, because I don’t know how to swim. But it was too late, I was already under the water and I was feeling terrible between life and death. I couldn’t breathe. I struggled and wanna scream. But scream doesn’t help because sound cannot be spread in the water. Well , fortunately, an old man who was fishing by the riverside found me and saved me by his huge fishing net. I was saved and I never felt how nice being alive. Nowadays every time when I recall that experience, I think it’s kindda silly of me to do such a crazy thing at that age. But I never regret it because it really makes me feel like a hero.

 

Besides that, I ‘m a sincere friend. The following story is between my friend and I. She is one of my best friends in the high school. We were classmates for the first 2 years in the high school and due to different subjects we choose at senior grade, we were assigned to different classes. We still kept in touch but not that frequently because you know how much tension we got from the college entrance examination. One day, I heard bad news about her. Something terrible happened to her family. Her mother passed away because of some horrible and serious diseases. I didn’t get the news from her personally. She was a girl of strong heart. She never behaved frailly in front of us even her best friends. I knew it’s not proper that I bring that stuff up in front of her. So I chose another way. I wrote a letter with comforting words and posted it to her address. At the night she received the letter, she called me and still hid her feeling deeply, she asked me not to worry about her and she was ok. At that time, I stopped her and I said: “ no, you are not ok, you didn’t sound like ok. If anyone was in your position, I don’t thinks he/she would be fine. You know what, I am your friend and you don’t have to hide your feeling in front of your best friends. If you wanna cry , you can cry on my shoulder. I am always by your side and help you get through this. That is what friend’s for, right?”After I finished talking, I just heard her burst into tears and big crying followed by. I didn’t talk any more. I just hang on there and hear her crying. I knew it was the best way for her to let out the depression and sadness. After that night, we studied together, had lunch together and went home together. Finally she was permitted for the college she wishes for. I was sincerely happy for her.

 

These are my stories and this is who I am. I am a girl of integrity and heroism, I am a girl of care and sympathy, I cherish the real friendship in my life. This is real me who were very nice meeting you and looking forward to being friends with you. Thank you all.

12 jul. 2013 02:52
Opmerkingen · 1
1

  It is much easier to correct a text in the Notebook section. If a post is very long, you can always divide it into two or more parts.  

  Your post was very well written. Here are my suggested changes:

  Frankly speaking, I am a girl of little heroism. / my relative’s house in a rural area / There were a lot of trees / You could also enjoy the happy sunshine there / I would have a playmate / to play with a plastic toy boat / the boat was floating away on the river. / In no time I realized that / and wanted to scream / But screaming didn’t help / saved me with his huge fishing net / and I had never felt so wonderful just being alive / I think it was kind of silly /

 

  The following story is about my friend and me. / friends in high school. / first 2 years in high school, and due to different subjects we chose as seniors, we were assigned to different classes. / because you can imagine how much pressure was on us on account of the college entrance examination. / passed away as the result of some / I knew it wasn’t proper to bring that stuff up in front of her / That night she received the letter. She called me, still hiding her feelings deeply. She asked me not to worry about her, and said she was ok / You didn’t sound ok. / If anyone else were in your position, I don’t think he or she / hide your feelings / by your side to help you get through this. / That is what a friend is for, right? / I heard her burst into tears cry loudly. I didn’t talk anymore. / I just hung on the phone and listened to her cry. / Finally she was admitted to the college she hoped to enter. / I am a girl who cares and shows sympathy / real friendships / This is the real me who enjoyed meeting you, and who is looking forward to being friends with you

12 juli 2013

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