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chang hsion
01/03 The famous entertainers and athletes deserve more privacy than they have now? With the increasing demand for a higher live quality, when people don't need to worry about how to fill the stomach, they start to purse something interesting, like art and sports. In other words, modern people put more and more attention to the art work and sports games, which sometimes also leads an excessive focus the entertaining star and athletes, who crate the enjoyment for us. Many ardent fans are so obsessed in collect all the information about these star, in and out the performing stage, that every little behavior of the star is captured precisely by these crazy groups. However, I don't think it's a good social phenomenon and the famous entertainers and athletes deserve more private time and space. Firstly, although these entertaining stars and athletes are all public figures living under the spot light, which means they would obtain more attention from the public, no doubt, they have another identification, human, as well. Every human can's escape from the natural rule, and he/she has his/her own personal physical and spiritual requirement. Human need to eat to infuse the energy to maintain their basic daily activity, they would laugh when they meet some amusing and want a comfort when they encounter something frustrating, too. And thus, these public figures also need some privacy, like us do. We are supposed to understand everyone possesses an excluding world, not just the way as you look initially, and it definitely need our respect. Moreover, there is no doubt that a relatively free private life can bring more vigor to these public figures, and make them more ease to cope with the coming challenge and have a better performance on the stage or the game. For example, Jay Zhou, a famous Taiwanese pop star, like playing basketball during his spare time, and he once said that playing basketball is one of his lifestyle, and every time playing basketball he feels very excited and content, this private hobby also brings him a lot of inspiration in the process of musical creation. So if we want to see more excellent performance of these stars, just leave them more private space! All in all, judging from what we’ve mentioned, I think I need to reinforce my perspective that nowadays the famous entertainers and athletes deserve more privacy than they have now.
3 jan. 2019 04:05
Correcties · 2
You've written an extremely thoughtful essay. :) It contains connectors which connect sentences and enhance the language. I also liked the way you used an example to illustrate your idea. I have made a few corrections, mostly on subject-verb agreement and tenses. There are a few corrections on vocabulary choice as well. I'd also ask you to pay special attention towards the usage of commas. Please look through my corrected version and if you need explanation on any correction I made, feel free to ask. Good luck!
3 januari 2019

Correction: 

http://imgur.com/hQlOmA8

Hi, I wasn't able to submit the corrected text directly so I decided to send it as an image instead.

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3 januari 2019
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