Hey!
Would be grateful if sb could check my IELTS Writing Task 1 response to the question on the pics:
Many thanks in advance, and here is the essay:

The line graph provides information about the correlation between age and crime in the UK last year, whereas the pie chart illustrates the disaggregation of crime by type.

Overall, youngsters were most likely to commit crimes, unlike people from other age categories. The most common crimes were related to violence, while public order crimes made up the smallest share.

The line graph shows that youth aged 12 to 28 years broke the law more often, unlike individuals from other age groups. While the highest number of crimes (almost one million) was committed by people aged 20, children up to 12 years were the least likely to be perpetrators. Moreover, individuals older than 28 years were also less prone to engage in crimes.

Regarding the pie chart, violent crimes were the most prevalent, making up almost half of all offences. Public order crimes, however, accounted for only 9%. Property and drug-related crimes had similar levels at just under 25%.[Image]

Question

Hey!
Would be grateful if sb could check my IELTS Writing Task 1 response to the question on the pics:
Many thanks in advance, and here is the essay:

The line graph provides information about the correlation between age and crime in the UK last year, whereas the pie chart illustrates the disaggregation of crime by type.

Overall, youngsters were most likely to commit crimes, unlike people from other age categories. The most common crimes were related to violence, while public order crimes made up the smallest share.

The line graph shows that youth aged 12 to 28 years broke the law more often, unlike individuals from other age groups. While the highest number of crimes (almost one million) was committed by people aged 20, children up to 12 years were the least likely to be perpetrators. Moreover, individuals older than 28 years were also less prone to engage in crimes.

Regarding the pie chart, violent crimes were the most prevalent, making up almost half of all offences. Public order crimes, however, accounted for only 9%. Property and drug-related crimes had similar levels at just under 25%.[Image]

Answer

In general it has a good structure and some nice vocabulary but I'd just like to point a couple of things out.

Overall, youngsters were most likely to commit crimes, unlike people from other age categories.

We wouldn't normally use 'unlike', here - we'd say something like 'compared to', but we don't even need to say that as it's implicit from 'youngsters'. It might be better to add something more concrete like, 'with 20-year-olds being the biggest offenders.

Also, we see a sentence with exactly the same structure in the next paragraph:

The line graph shows that youth aged 12 to 28 years broke the law more often, unlike individuals from other age groups.

The same issue notwithstanding, it would be better to use a different structure so soon after it was used previously.  It's a kind of repetition and by changing it slightly, you can increase your score for grammatical range.

When looking at your other writings, you can check for such types of repetition and develop a few similar structures ss you can vary your range a bit.

Answer

Hi Nastia.

I’ve had a quick look at your task. I’ve only looked at it from the perspective of the English, I’ve not looked at the charts/graphs to see if what you wrote is factually accurate too.

It’s very good. Well done. Just two small corrections..

Youths…plural

Highest number WERE…plural

Keep up the good writing. And anytime you’d like 30 minutes with me on italki to practice the speaking part of IELTS, I’m here!

Simon