Hi guys , here is another Academic IELTS writing task 2 practice essay I did.

Can someone let me know what band it is and how could I improve more ?

Thanks a lot in advance !

The graph illustrates the meat consumption in Spain from 2001 til 2011.

The graph represents significant rise in chicken, small rise in pork and fall in beef comsumption.

In the beginning of the period weekly chicken consumption was approximately 450 grams per person however, it kept increasing and by the end of the period chicken consumption doubled,reaching almost 900 grams per person. Between 2001 and 2003 pork did not show any rise, then from 2003 til 2007 a slight increase was visible. Although, from 2007 pork consumption did not change.

Despite beef being the most consumed meat in 2001, it significally declined and by the end of the period daily intake per person was approximately 500 grams. Goat consumption was mostly the lowest throughout the period with just 100 grams per person. Even though there was a rise between 2003 and 2007, after that it fell back to 100 grams per person.

Thanks in advance ![Image]

Question

Hi guys , here is another Academic IELTS writing task 2 practice essay I did.

Can someone let me know what band it is and how could I improve more ?

Thanks a lot in advance !

The graph illustrates the meat consumption in Spain from 2001 til 2011.

The graph represents significant rise in chicken, small rise in pork and fall in beef comsumption.

In the beginning of the period weekly chicken consumption was approximately 450 grams per person however, it kept increasing and by the end of the period chicken consumption doubled,reaching almost 900 grams per person. Between 2001 and 2003 pork did not show any rise, then from 2003 til 2007 a slight increase was visible. Although, from 2007 pork consumption did not change.

Despite beef being the most consumed meat in 2001, it significally declined and by the end of the period daily intake per person was approximately 500 grams. Goat consumption was mostly the lowest throughout the period with just 100 grams per person. Even though there was a rise between 2003 and 2007, after that it fell back to 100 grams per person.

Thanks in advance ![Image]

Answer

The graph illustrates the amount of six types of meat eaten in Spain over the ten-year period from 2001 to 2011.

Do not use 'til'.

In your essay you use 'consumption' seven times, try to vary your vocabulary.

Answer

A few points

1) Make sure you start off your overview with a linker. A good linker to use is overall. This will signal to the examiner that you are giving a brief summary.

2) Try to organise your information into paragraphs in a logical way. Your 3rd paragraph grouped the 2 meat sources that increased, which was totally logical, but the 3rd paragraph combined between a beef, which was decreasing, and goat meat, which only increased a little. You could have grouped beef with duck meat. It would have made more sense.

Other ways of choosing and grouping data could be:

Most consumed meats in 1 paragraph and least consumed meats in another paragraph

or

Meats that changed in consumption the most in one paragraph and meats that didn't change much in consumption in another.

3) However should be preceded with a full stop or a semi-colon.

4) Although is used to tie 2 clauses (subject and ver) together in one sentence. It doesn't work like however. If you want an alternative for however, you can use nevertheless.

Although gives the same meaning as even though and despite the fact that.

We use it to present information that is not expected. See the examples below:

Although the weather was hot, he was wearing a thick jumper.

Although the man was rich, he was driving an old car.

We can't just use although without presenting the contrasting information in the same sentence.

........................

As for your band mark: TA: 7 (a bit generous), CC: 6, LR: 7, GRA: 6, overall: 6.5 (close to a 6)