i think of essays as 2 pages or more. this is more like a paragraph ba :P i'm not going to correct it for you; instead, i'm going to give you notes. otherwise, how can you learn, right? --we say "music" in general. --we say "life" in general. --capitalize the necessary words in song titles (all but prepositions) --"when i heard it the first time" or "the first time i heard it" --you can use a comma before "but," but "however" usually begins a new sentence and has a comma after it. --"when" phrases have commas after them. other than that, i don't want to make you sound like a native speaker; you have to keep your voice--that's the most important part of writing.

I don’t know too much about the Music but (Part of Speech: Conjunction which combines two sentences) the song "let it be" sung by Beatles, deeply impressed me. When, I heard it the very first time. The Life is filled with Happiness and sometime makes us down. However, when we face the Challenges which cannot be overcome and Sadness which is hard to go through, what, we can do "let it go on as it is". This song teaches me "how to tolerate" even in calamity and distress. In other words, this song made me tolerant and stronger.

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I don’t know much about the music, but the song” let it be” from Beatles deeply impressed me, when the first time I heard it. My translation: "I don't know much about music, but the song "Let It Be" from the The Beatles deeply impressed me from the first time I heard it." The life is filled with happiness and something let us down, however when we face the challenges which cannot overcome and sadness hard to go through what we should do is just let it be. My translation: "The song showed me that life is filled with happiness and let downs. However, when we face these challenges that we cannot overcome, we should just "let it be". The song makes me more tolerant to adversity and distress. In other words, the song made me tolerant and the tolerance made me stronge My translation: "The song makes me tolerant to adversity and distress. In other words, it makes me persevere and makes me strong."