Could anyone help me correct my grammar mistakes?
This is an IELTS writing practice. Thanks a lot if you write any comments.

Question
You are going to another country to study. You would like to do a part-time job while you are studying, so you want to ask a friend who lives there for some help.
Write a letter to this friend. In your letter
-give details of your study plans
-explain why you want to get a part-time job
-suggest how your friend could help you find a job

Answer

Dear Max,

I am so delighted to tell you that I have got an offer from USC recently, and this means that we are going to meet soon! But I do need you to do me a favor if you don’t mind.

I will move to Los Angeles this summer because my classes will start on the 20th of August. I will major in Computer Science which will help me to become an AI engineering after I graduated. The program is a two-year master’s degree program, so we can hang out often in the upcoming future.

To assist in covering the cost of study and live in Los Angeles, I aim to find a part-time job. As I know, not only the tuition fees are expensive in USC, but also to rent an apartment in California is much more expensive than other states in the US. So, I would like to arrange some temporary employment before I arrived.

I have a bachelor’s degree in computer science and I know you are working in this industry. I am wondering if you could ask around among your friends and colleagues to see if anyone would offer me an opportunity. I would be grateful if you could give me the contact details of the employer who would like to offer the job.

I am looking forward to seeing you soon.

Best wishes,

John

Question

Could anyone help me correct my grammar mistakes?
This is an IELTS writing practice. Thanks a lot if you write any comments.

Question
You are going to another country to study. You would like to do a part-time job while you are studying, so you want to ask a friend who lives there for some help.
Write a letter to this friend. In your letter
-give details of your study plans
-explain why you want to get a part-time job
-suggest how your friend could help you find a job

Answer

Dear Max,

I am so delighted to tell you that I have got an offer from USC recently, and this means that we are going to meet soon! But I do need you to do me a favor if you don’t mind.

I will move to Los Angeles this summer because my classes will start on the 20th of August. I will major in Computer Science which will help me to become an AI engineering after I graduated. The program is a two-year master’s degree program, so we can hang out often in the upcoming future.

To assist in covering the cost of study and live in Los Angeles, I aim to find a part-time job. As I know, not only the tuition fees are expensive in USC, but also to rent an apartment in California is much more expensive than other states in the US. So, I would like to arrange some temporary employment before I arrived.

I have a bachelor’s degree in computer science and I know you are working in this industry. I am wondering if you could ask around among your friends and colleagues to see if anyone would offer me an opportunity. I would be grateful if you could give me the contact details of the employer who would like to offer the job.

I am looking forward to seeing you soon.

Best wishes,

John

Answer

Dear Max,

I am delighted to tell you that I recently have received an offer from USC ( or I am delighted to tell you that I recently got an offer from USC), and this means that we can meet soon!  I need to ask you for a favor, if you don't mind.

I will move to Los Angeles this summer because my classes will start on the August 20th. I will major in Computer Science which will help me to become an AI engineering, after I graduate. The program is a two-year master’s degree program, so we can hang out often in the upcoming future.

To assist in covering the cost of my studies and living, while I'm in Los Angeles, I intend to find a part-time job. As I know, not only are the tuition fees expensive in USC but also renting an apartment in California is much more expensive than the other states in the US, so I would like to obtain employment before I arrive.

I have a bachelor’s degree in computer science, and I know you are working in this industry, so I am wondering if you could ask around among your friends and colleagues to see if anyone could offer me an employment opportunity. I would be grateful, if you could give me the contact details of the employer who would like to offer a job to me.

I am looking forward to seeing you soon.

Best wishes,

John

Answer

Hi Paco,

You've covered all points in the question, which is great. I'm not sure what the word limit is, so please double-check that to make sure you haven't written too much or too little.

The main issue is that it sounds too formal. Remember you're writing to a friend in this task, so you don't need to explain everything in detail. I suggest revising this and changing anything that looks like language for a job application.

In future, please post texts in the Notebook section. The Answers section isn't designed to give effective corrections.

Answer

Put it in the notes section.  It is easier to correct there.  Send me a link to it if you wished me to correct it :)