The St Kilda Festival

I went to the St Kilda Festival last Sunday. Melbourne has a St Kilda Festival each year, and it which lasts three weeks each time. It is a musical festival. During the festival, you can watch live bands shows, get on high roller-coasters, take pictures with celebrities, and buy lots of funny things that you wouldn't usually see in shops. And Of course, it is a good excuse to get drunk too.

I do not usually like crowds that much. As I had never been to this festival before, I made the effort to experience it. I have to say: OH MY GOD....I have never seen so many people in my whole life! I could hardly move my feet! I was like one little pin stuck on a people-sea board, and stuck on it... (this sounded very strange, mainly because you combined two very different analogies) I was actually scared that I might get stepped on, because I could not see anything or hear anything except sweaty shirts and screams. I could smell marijuana in the crowd too, which was an absolute disgrace. I asked my hubby to carry me on his shoulders so I could get rid of away from the smell, and see over people's heads.

"Cuz" is slangy, which didn't fit your text because most of your writing is grammatically neat and a little formal (eg. I could not see vs I couldn't see).

I did was not enjoying the show all that much, so I suggested we get out of the crowd and have something to drink. It was around 5pm when we got into a bar, and people were already going nuts! A girl and a guy pulled me over and started dancing with me. They were good dancers. And Even my hubby joined us to dance together! Haha! He was so funny. He looked like a drunk hip-hop clown!

Anyway, we headed home around 7pm and had a quiet relaxing night after that. All in all, I don't think I will never go to St Kilda Festival again!

The last sentence sounded as if you absolutely hated the festival.  I softened it a little to mean that maybe you enjoyed some parts.

Good work - I enjoyed reading this.

St Kilda Festival

I went to the St Kilda Festival last Sunday. Melbourne has a St Kilda Festival each year, which lasts three weeks each time. It is a musical festival. During the festival, you can watch shows with live bands, get on high roller-coasters, take pictures with celebrities and buy lots of funny things that you wouldn't usually see in shops. And of course, it is a good excuse to get drunk too.

I usually do not like crowds that much. As I have never been to this festival before, I made the effort to experience it. I have to say: OH MY GOD....I have never seen so many people in my life! I could hardly move my feet! I was like one little pin stuck on a people-sea board and stuck on it...I was actually scared that I might got stepped over, cuz I could not see anything or hear anything except sweaty shirts and screams. I could smell mariguana in the crowd too, which was an absolute disgrace. I asked my hubby to carry me on his shoulder so I could get rid of the smell and see over.

I did not enjoy the show that much, so I suggested we get out of the crowd and have some drink. It was around 5 pm we got into a bar and people were already nuts! One girl and one guy pulled me over and started to dance with me. They were good dancers. And hubby joined us to dance together! Haha! He was so funny. He looked like a drunk hip-hop clown!

Anyway, we headed home around 7 pm and had a quiet relaxing night after that. I will never go to St Kilda Festival again!

[Very good English.  Generally, you don't use a comma before 'and', especially in a list.]