Hello Adrienn, my name is John, nice to meet you. If you can send me a better picture or write your essay in a message to me, I can help you with your score. I am a certified IELTS instructor.

I can't add much to what Fletcher says. The first sentence of the introduction repeats the question almost exactly, you need to paraphrase it. There are some tense and spelling mistakes. There is a little lack of logic. Your second example, your friend found his passion through doing a part-time job, is an argument for part-time work, not against it. This is very much a personal example based essay and the examples go on for too long. However, in general I think this is pretty good. I struggle to understand the marking of the example essays in the Cambridge practise books, but I suppose this is around 7.

Feedback: 1) Try to rephrase the introduction a little bit more. Maybe you could use a bit of passive voice ('It is argued') and also use the word beneficial instead of repeating the word good. It's OK to repeat a few words, but it's better to rephrase what can be rephrased easily. 2) Try to avoid the phrase 'personally'. It's not that academic. It's more on the informal side. 3) The first sentence of the body paragraphs (paragraphs 2 and 3) should be very brief and just introduce the main idea without details. This sentence is called a topic sentence. There are many videos on Youtube explaining how to write a topic sentence. 4) Try to make your examples a little less personal. It's OK to write examples about your friends and family, but it's better to avoid doing that when possible. Academic writing should be as impersonal as possible. The only thing I recommend being personal is stating one's opinion and making it clear what one's opinion is. 5) Moreover should have a semi-colon before it or a full stop (;/.and a capital) 6) Avoid phrasal verbs where possible. Most phrasal verbs are informal. You used hangning out, which isn't suitable for academic writing. 7) You need to work a little bit on punctuation. You need to differentiate between when to use a full stop, a comma, and a semi-colon. 8) Start off your conclusion with a linker that signals that it actually is a conclusion. You can use 'In conclusion, for example. TA: 8, CC: 6, LR: 7, GRA: 7, overall: 7 (I was a touch generous with LR and GRA). With a little bit of work, you could guarantee a band 7 and maybe get a 7.5