Dairy 5/27 I don't know what can I say for today. My boss didn't show up today . so I was kind of goof off all day... I didn't saying have not doing any thing , it is just a little stressed if the boss is in the office, I feel he is kind of watching me ... In fact, I really hope he can assign me some specific tasks. He just gave me a list, there were many thing that he thought I need to learn before start the real work ( I'm just joined the project, so it's kind of a preparation phrase). I had read those materials, but I think I can learn faster by participate in the real work. and my boyfriend came to see me tonight. I tried to ask him to do some preparation before he went to college in Sep . but he just won't do it , he doesn't know what he likes or what he wants to do or to be in the future , and even doesn't want to earn money. I really can do nothing with him. I feel I'm not dating with a man but dating with my son. Any way, I know life is hard, and I was not born into a wealthy family. still I want to live as happily as possible.

Dairy 05/23/2019 I have a teleconference this morning, it goes better than yesterday's, I can understand most of what they said. and I can do the appropriate response. luckily, the did not assign me any task so far so I can get more time to go over it. and tonight, my bf come to see me again, and I buy him dinner. to be honest, I don't have too much money left this month, and we're playing to hang out on Saturday. He is a student so he didn't earn money. So I am paly all bills when we're together. it makes me stressful.

Dairy 05/21/2019 So , today is not so hot (I don't know if it's a right way to expression 'so so' , I want to say it's neither a good day nor a bad day , just so so , but I'm sure there is a more native way to say it , please tell me if you know). in the morning, my teleconference not goes well , I can got maybe 60% of what he said , but after the conference, my boss ask me what is my work in this week , and I'm not familiar with the vocabulary that he used , but I guess he means that. but I don't got it at that moment , so I'm froze there , too nervous to ask him to repeat his question. that was really embarrassing. I think I got some impatience recently , I really want to improve my english , cause I need to use it at my work. But I also knows that language can never be learned in short term. You have to study every day. I'm regret not learning English well in college , I spend so many time on game and what ever something else. and yesterday , my boyfriend apologized to me for he flirting with other boy in dating APP. since he didn't really have sex with another one ( is there a more native way to say that?) so I forgive him.but if it happed agin , I will definitely breakup with him.

My Weekend Day It's a long day for me. this morning , I check my boyfriend's phone while he's on the toilet , and I didn't mean to , but I found he is flirting with another boy. it's really pissed me off , cause we're dating within 2 weeks, and now he's already mess around with someone else. and I also feel sad , and heart broken. Maybe he didn't love me that much as I loved him. maybe I shouldn't start this relationship at the beginning. since I know his will go to college in another city in two months. and long distance relationships never last . but I thought at least we can be happy in these two months. but I am wrong , I should realized it earlier from the fact we didn't have too much communications. It is no wonder that , he is too young , and we're at different stages of life , My worries are my job and my mortgage , and money. and he seems don't have annoyance at all. I envy him, I used to be as carefree as he was. but people always have to grow up and take responsible. I read a sentence before , "Loneliness is human destiny" . It really hits me. and I do ask my self what do I want in this relationship , what do I like about him？ or maybe I just too longly to find someone to accompany me. I don't know. Maybe it was a mistake to start this relationship. I think I must talk with him when he comes to see me next time. and tomorrow is the first day I join the project ，I'm a little nervous, I'm worried about my English . The leader can only speak English. it's my first time to join a team that have to communicate in English only. But I have confidence to make it。 good luck to me ，life is hard but I will try to live happily.

Today's dairy This morning , when I woke up , I suddenly decide to go to see the doctor， there some small problems with my body, although it doesn't matter if I leave it alone . but still it make me uncomfortable. So I text my manager ask for half day’s leave. And went to hospital, luck , even after all this time, I didn't get any worse. And , there is another thing luck for me. it is about yesterday's interview. I thought I didn't pass it but they told me that they want me. I am surprised and now I must prepare for the project. I need to study and work harder, because I don't want fail their trust。 and my boyfriend came for me tonight, we ate a simple dinner together but I feel happy. even I'm not sure how long we can dating. but at lest for now , I am happy.

Today's dairy I was really busy recently , so I didn't write English dairy every day as I planned before（sounds like a Excuse）。 I have got a boyfriend ，we meet each other on social App. and we've been dating for a week。but now I‘m not sure if he loves me or not . because he rarely text me , or call me . and event he did , we don't have too much to talk about. Maybe we'll break up eventually. and I want to talk about my interview in this afternoon， it didn't goes well. the interviewer was an Argentine ， but his English is really good 。 I can got 60-70% of what he says ， and I can understood his question ， but my english is not good so I thought my answer is not so good。 anyway , i have tried. and I also haven’t been sleeping well lately.I planed to go to the hospital to get some sleeping pills, but I don't have time to . and I also don't want use my annual leave to do that. such a wasted.I wonder why the hospital doesn't work on weekends , people usually have no time to go to the doctor on weekdays.we usually endure until the weekend so we have the time to go to the doctor.

My forieign friend I have make a friend on Tandem. He is from Indonesia , and today he told me the Muslim is the main nation in Indonesia . I am surprised because I thought that Indonesia may just like Singapore or Malaysia . and he says he is the minority there and he believe in Hinduism. So I ask him why he belief Hinduism, he said because of his family are all Hinduism so he don't have too much choice. in my opinion , it's not a good thing to force your child belief your religious faith. at least they should have a change to chose. and I personally not like Muslim doctrine , they treat women bad , and execute gay people.. so these are really not my values... I don't belief any religious , I prefer to belief science.

A fiction that I liked I like to read books when I was in my middle school , and maybe because the smartphone is not so popular at that time. and I’m not into sports . so I spend many time to read books. most of them are fictions. and the book which touched me most is called <缥缈录> in Chinese , now it seems a very old stuff story , but at time , it makes me cried many timed. the story is about two boys and one girl and their growth story. one boy is the prince of a Nomads ， and the other one with blue blood of a more civilized Central Plains nation been called「东陆」，and at the beginning of the story， 东陆 has destroyed the nomads county ， and the prince of nomads has been captured as a slave to 东陆。 and then because of some coincidence , they met and become friend。Then a lot of things happened, and they finally grow up , and Becomes the leader of their respective countries。but there is deep hatred between these two countries. So they have to lead their own people to kill each other。some descriptions are really bloody and cruel.and even worse they Fall in love with the same girl。 so it’s really a sad story . Because my poor English ，I can’t expressed the story very well . this story is not a love story . it’s about fate and the smallness of people in the historical.

My recent life I have been very tired recently . work is so heavy and hard . I even can't take a breath . and I have to find time to learn front-end develop and english. I spend my whole time in working and learning . I am so pressured ， unhappy and some times I start suspect life ， and ask myself why. I really want to resign , leave this city .move to a place that no one knows me. without phone , computer or internet . I don't want to thinking about anything , just want to be alone. I'm fed up with been a human. I want to die...