Mona
Hi would you tell me if this paragraph is natural? if I subtract the people with an extreme religious ideology, who see anything related to music as taboos, I would say singing in my culture has a great significance and makes appearances in every social gathering, be it a wedding ceremony or a simple slumber party between friends
Oct 27, 2021 1:38 PM
Answers · 10
Aside from those with extreme religious beliefs, who see anything related to music as taboo, I would say that singing has a major significance within my culture. It's present at nearly every social gathering from weddings to slumber parties. Saying 'I' in the beginning is redundant. You use it later. 'taboo' as an adjective sounds better here, and, in any event, it should be singular in your sentence. You could also consider a word like 'sinful'. Using 'every' is an obvious over-exaggeration which hurts your credibility. 'makes appearances' isn't correct here. There is a similar construction, 'makes its appearance', which is grammatically ok but still not too precise. The 'be it' expression is quite formal.
October 27, 2021
Feel free to review a more natural version below! If I discounted people with an extreme religious ideology, that see anything related to music as a taboo, I would say that singing has a major significance within my culture, and is omnipresent at every social gathering, whether it is a wedding ceremony or even a simple slumber party involving friends. Everything you have written seems natural enough, although I have jotted down a few points below that might help you sound more eloquent. 1. The word "subtract" isn't exactly used in the same context as you have, which is why words like "discount", "overlook" or many others are better options. 2. After the word "ideology", "that" is the better option than "who" since you don't know exactly who it is within the section of people with an extreme religious ideology, that opposes music with everything they have. "That" is more general, and hence, more in line with the point you are trying to make. 3. It should be "taboo" instead of "taboos", since the word in question is dependent upon the word "anything" within the sentence, which is singular. 4. "Major significance within my culture" is better than "major significance in my culture", since you know that it is "culture" that you are referring to exactly, as a result of which there is less scope for vagueness, and hence, "is". 5. "Omnipresent" is a natural enough word, which is why I have included the same as an option that you can use, but I would understand if someone made the point that the word in question is used rather infrequently, which is why you are free to use substitutes such as "and occurs at every social gathering", "and happens at every social gathering", "and is indulged in/engaged in at every social gathering", "and materializes at every social gathering" or perhaps an easy substitute such as "and is done at every social gathering". 6. "Party involving friends" is more natural than "party between friends".
October 27, 2021
Personally I would use "exclude" rather than "subtract" but that's a personal perfence and not because what you have is incorrect.
October 27, 2021
Here in England, some people I know don't write that well 👍
October 27, 2021
Dear Mona, I think you should be fine. Maybe I would use 'shows up' rather than 'makes appearances'. Note: I am assuming that you are purposely writing in an informal style.
October 27, 2021
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