My first redaction

Hi there. My name is Paulo and I'm 25 years old. I'm System Analyst. I'm the oldest of my siblings and I have two more sisters. I live in an apartment together with my girlfriend and two more friends. It's a very different family. We live in Joinville. Our apartment has 3 bedrooms and it's a little messy.
My immediate family live in Imaruí, a beautiful and small city in Brazil's south coast. My dad works as a radio man. My mom works as a teacher. My old sister is a Project Manager. And last, but not least, there is my little sister, she is just studying currently.
I like to visit my family once a month. I also like to be there because it's far from big cities so that I can listen to the birds' song. I love the silence.

It sounds like a great place to visit.Well written,Paulo

My first redaction

Hi there. My name is Paulo and I'm 25 years old. I'm a System Analyst. I'am the oldest of my siblings and I have two more sisters. I live in an apartment together with my girlfriend and two of our more friends. It's a very different family. We live in Joinville. Our apartment has 3 bedrooms and it's a little messy.
My blood family live in Imaruí, a beautiful and small city in Brazil's south coast. My dad works as a radio man. My mom works as a teacher. My older sister is a Project Manager. And at last, but not least, there is my little sister, she is just studying currently.<or she is still a student 
I like to visit my family once a month. I also like to be there because it's far from any big cities so that I can listen to the birds' sing their song. The silence loves me.( or I love the Silence)