《Why there is nobody pay attention to my essay？Oh no》
Why isn't there anybody paying attention to my essay? Oh dear0!

<font color="#000000">悲剧的我 </font>The Tragic Me.1

Firstly, thanks for your correction <strike>of</strike> on my essay<strike>，</strike>. Thank you.
首先，感谢你的修改，谢谢你。

<strike>Pardon me. </strike>2 Forgive me.
原谅我。

I have a<strike> little </strike>small complaint<strike>s</strike>3<strike>，and</strike> I wanted to shout out, "<strike>that</strike> Why there is there nobody pay attention to my essay?"  [Perhaps you are too impatient? It takes time.  After all there are many other essays floating around to get to you sooner?"]

我有一点小抱怨，我想吼一声，为什么没人关注我的小作文？

I need your help with my English.
我需要你们帮帮我的英语。

No matter <strike>whether</strike> if my grammar is <strike>right</strike> correct 4or not, I <strike>can</strike> feel that my <strike>spoken English </strike>oral and written English are <strike>very</strike>  too blunt and <strike>stiff</strike> inflexible. Right?
I really want to change that.
不管我的语法是否正确，我都能感觉到我的英语口语和书面语都十分的生硬和呆板。
我真的很想改掉它。

<strike>Thereafter,</strike> So I'll write something about my job, my city  my hobby and related things [from your original text]
以后，我会写一些与我工作、城市、爱好……有关的东西。

Hope that you <strike>are willing</strike> can lend <strike>to give me</strike>5 a hand.
希望你们能给我帮助。

Now<strike>,</strike> I'm studying English, Japanese and Spanish.
现在，我正在学习英语、日语和西语。

<strike>Of course, now I put most of my efforts to English, and I like it best.
</strike>However I am putting most of my efforts6 to English as it is my favourite language.
当然，我学得最努力的还是英语，我最喜欢它。

By the way, I love music,<strike> and</strike> especially Rock <strike>music </strike>7best.
<strike>I play guitar. </strike>Besides playing guitar, <strike>that</strike> I can play other muscial instrumentals<strike>,</strike> too8.
另外，我喜欢音乐，特别喜欢摇滚乐。
我会弹吉他，此外，我还会别的乐器。

<strike>OK, </strike> Here ends my essay. Thanks for listening9.   Bye bye!<font color="#ff0000">10</font>
好的，就写到这儿。再见！

0.  Nothing wrong in using, "Oh No!"  I just like "Oh dear" because it doesn't sound so dramatic and serious to me.
1.  This is not usually spoken or written in prose.  It is acceptable for poetic for emphasis.  For title, one should capitalize every word or at least every major word omitting prepositions etc.
2.  Pardon me is an expression meaning excuse me.  Same as "I beg your pardon".  Here pardon does not mean 恕罪
3. Here you have only one complaint.  If there are more than one, then you should write as " some small complaints".  There is a very subtle difference between "small" and "little". Small means not big in size.  Little means less in this context of yours.  For example, a small boy means that his size is not big. A little boy means boy is not very old.  Another example.  A small man - meaning the man is not very tall or big.  A little man means that is not a 大丈夫, more of a 小人.
4.  Actually there is nothing wrong in using the word "right" here to mean not wrong.  I changed this to correct because you had used the word "right" again in the next sentence too soon.  This is a tip on good writing.  Try to repeat the same word over again and again unless you are using it for emphasis like I am doing here for this sentence that I just wrote.
5.  Again there is nothing wrong with "give me a hand".  Just using this other idiom for you to learn.
6.  Or you can express it as,  "I am concentrating on English as it is my favourite language."
7.  Here  you are talking about music.  So the reader know that rock is a form of music and does not mean stone.  Therefore the 2nd "music" is redundant.  See note 4
8.  You need explain what other kinds of musical instruments you play.  If not, don't include the information in the sentence.  This in for good writing. " Besides playing the guitar, I can play other musical instruments such as the piano, the zither etc."
9.  In English such Chinese phrases, 好的 are not normally used for concluding one's essay.  It is more used for storytelling or describing a narrative.  It is better to end in a style like my added words.  If you insist then write something like,  "Finally!  Here ends my essay.  Thanks for listening. Bye bye."
10.  "bye bye" are two words not one.

By the way... you write much better than most of your countrymen on Italki.  At least you pay attention to your punctuation, correct use of spacing and more importantly capitalizing proper nouns.  My Chinese isn't good at all.  Thanks for your compliment.  I can't even write a decent essay like yours in Chinese let alone a business letter.  However I do have the interest in translating Chinese poetry into English since most of the poems are so similar to Cantonese.  Hope to catch you soon on the net :)