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IELTS Writing task 2 correction

It's my first try to make a response of writing task , I'm eager to get over 7 band in that section . So I hope that someone could help :) 

Question : 

It's generally believed that some people are born with certain talents , for instance for sport or music , and others are not . However , it's sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician . 
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion . 

My response : 

                 Talent is the gift that God gives to certain people without any rules . There are people are born with specific talent like who have  exotic abilities of sport or music . Some people believe that talent is always a pure gift which is given to someone and not given to another with no interfere with other factors . On the other hand , other people refute this point of view by believing that every child is able to be taught to be a  sportsman or a musician  . In this essay , we're going to analyze these points of view .

                 It's believed by some that people are born with certain talents , for instance for sports and music , and other are not . An idea that support that point of view is not all persons plays football as magically as Maradona has played or compose music the same like Bethoven till that moment .  Thus ,there are people with a talent and People devoid of talent . So , It's well understood now why some support that belief .

                  On the other hand , It's argued by some that anyone can get the opportunity to learn how to be a good sportsman or an acceptable musician . For example  that can support that point of view that nowadays a lot of football academy can help child how to all technical skills to play football well and also a lot of music courses are given to normal people to help them learn how to play certain instruments efficiently . So it's not impossible to be a good sport person or a musician . Thus , It's clear now why some gravitate to support this point of view .

                     After analyzing these two point of views , It's now clear why some people accept the fact that not everyone is born with a talent and the other who argue for the ability to be good as well . I believe that People born with talent but also anyone can reach to a good level of practicing a sport or music but no comparison in the creativity and astonishing level .
It's always recommended to  accentuate the talent with knowledge to maximize the good results .                   <o:p></o:p>

评论 · 8

2

I cannot agree with Marcela Ayala more 

You had better follow the regulations of completing an essay to clarify your points of view in the writing task of IELTs. 

2

Hi,

I took IELTS twice and I got 5.5 the first time and 7.0 in the second chance in that part specifically. What I can tell you is that you should check the format they are expecting you to do. The content is important but is more important the distribution, remember that the person who is reading your essay must read thousands like yours, so you should make it easy for him/her. 

The format I learned from a course is this: (format for task 2)

1. Introduction -> explain the problem

2. Main Body -> one point of view or if you agree, why that 

3. Second main body -> the other point of view or why you disagree if that is the case

4. Conclusion -> resume of everything


I did that in my second try and I got 7, just write a essay which could be easy to read and enjoyable. I do not know a lot of IELTS but while I was practicing I learned a lot about it and I can help from the experience I got, so if you have any question, please feel free of contacting me.

Good luck!



1

Good job, but here are my comments on the structure.

First, I would aim for a much shorter and more focused introduction. You should stick quite closely to the meaning of the rubric (question), but try your best to avoid repeating words. Here's my attempt to rewrite your introduction:


Some people say that talent in sport or music comes naturally to an individual. Others believe that one is never simply born with talent and potential, but rather must learn these skills through hard work and good tuition. There are clearly two ways to view this issue, but in my opinion talent comes from effort and is not simply a gift from God.


Also, work on your topic sentences in your paragraphs. A body paragraph's first sentence should be a "mini-introduction" to your paragraph: keep it short and very focused. It's very noticeable in your essay that the wording of your topic sentences is almost the same as the question! Avoid this!


Here's how I'd rewrite the topic sentences for both paragraphs:

P1: It is clear that some people are born with gifts that others do not possess.

P2: On the other hand, it is also clear that success is impossible without hard work.


You did very well for your first attempt! There are just a few changes you can make to drastically improve your style. (By the way, I agree with Marcela!)

1
I do agree with Jack, what I wanted to say is that you should be careful with the structure because even when you have a great point of view if you don't write it in a good structure, then it will be useless. And always complete the task! 
1
Furthermore, you may use more clauses to consolidate your writing and convince the rater you are good at writing structured essay. 

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