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prettyautumn
Hi, I wrote a bad sentence, but didn't know how to improve it. Could anyone help me? "I shook my head while looking at their faces, from one to the other." There were two people sitting opposite me talking. I heard what they said and didn't agree with it, so I shook my head. At the same time, I looked at one guy first, then turned to look at the other guy. How to describe it in a better way?
Jan 9, 2024 4:03 PM
Answers · 7
2
Which bit are you unhappy with?
January 9, 2024
"The words of two people nearby struck me wrong. My attention shifted back and forth from one to the other as I shook my head in disbelief. "
January 10, 2024
As is often the case, you answered your own question. Your description of the situation is quite clear. Your original sentence isn’t. So replace your sentence with your description!
January 9, 2024
The only issue I can see is that the sequence of the events isn't clear. The simplest way to fix it would be to just eliminate "at the same time." There were two people sitting opposite me talking. I heard what they said and didn't agree with it, so I shook my head. I looked at one guy first, and then turned to look at the other guy.
January 9, 2024
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