What do you think about this writing? (Part 2) She was a lonely young woman who, fleeing the disaster, found herself lost and without a family. She came for help, so we took refuge together. We gave

Maria Flores

What do you think about this writing? (Part 2) She was a lonely young woman who, fleeing the disaster, found herself lost and without a family. She came for help, so we took refuge together. We gave each other company, affection, and care when the world seemed to destroy itself. After many years of isolation, clarity came. Little by little, people began to trust each other again. The authorities informed us that the rebels had been repressed. A new way of life awaited us. The Universities, which have been empty for years, were filled again by people eager for their minds to get knowledge. People who have been playing video games for years started playing sports outdoors. We looked into each other's eyes, we listened to each other, and no longer through devices. The happiness and peace in the world were immense. We had returned. So that was the return to humanity before technology.

Jun 15, 2021 1:51 PM

Corrections · 2

What do you think about this writing? (Part 2) She was a lonely young woman who, fleeing the disaster, found herself lost and without a family. She came for help, so I [took her in/gave her refuge]. We gave each other company, affection, and care when the world around us seemed to be destroying itself. After many years of isolation, clarity came. Little by little, people began to trust each other again. The authorities informed us that the rebels had been suppressed. A new way of life awaited us. The Universities, which had been empty for years, were once again filled with people eager to learn and improve their minds. People who had been playing video games for years started playing sports outdoors. We looked into each other's eyes, we listened to each other, and no longer through devices. The happiness and peace in the world was immense. We were back. So that was the return to humanity before technology.

There were a could of edits I made to avoid repetition. 'Robot forces forced...' or 'we had returned... so that was the return...' The square brackets are where I gave options for you to choose. I have to admit that there's a part of the story I wonder about. Ok, so you're a woman. You've left the city, because of the unrest. You're afraid for your safety. Men are doing whatever they want, and you've been lucky until now. So you flee the city. You go to the country, and find yourself on some guy's farm. Is he different? I'm betting you don't trust anyone, so you probably don't ask him for help. He'll just take advantage of you. More likely you hide in his barn and steal his food, until he figures it out and earns your trust somehow. I feel like there's more of this story to be had. Sci Fi must...I repeat, must have a well thought out idea. Isaac Asimov showed us that you can be a famous science fiction writer with good ideas and terrible storytelling. But you can't be a sci fi writer with unbelievable ideas and good story telling... And I'm sorry but I just don't believe the idea of a woman trusting a man just because she's fled from the city and he's in the country. This is anarchy, and trust came back slowly. You said it yourself.

June 17, 2021

Want to progress faster?

Join this learning community and try out free exercises!