[Deactivated user]
is there a way to build self confidence ?

i've always been an isolated child , never had friends , i never go out of the house except for school and even in summer , i don't take a step outside  of the house 

i've never had a problem with the way i have been because i' didn't have to interact with people , but after i went to  to college  i started noticing that i was really different and i couldn't even have a normal converstion with my collegemates or even with younger people , 

i'm now in my second year in college and i met some friends but i don't feel like they are my real friends , i feel like they only hang out with me when they don't find anyone else , like a substitute and that makes me really depressed 

i can't even ask people , when i get close to them i flush fever and my heart beats so fast and i forget everything i wanted to say and i end up embarrasing myself 

i want to change myself i want to have more confidence to face the world and to interact with people 



i watch videos on youtube, i read books about self improvement 

Nov 29, 2015 8:11 PM
Comments · 12

Hello! I'll give you some advice (I was much more shy before than I am now) because you asked for it, but I don't think there's anything really wrong with being quiet. You can be happy that way!

The most important thing is to just keep trying. This is something that just takes time, months or years. Keep trying to find excuses to have a chat with people and talk a little. Talk to people online, compliment people who you think did something good, ask questions to people you didn't understand, comment on the weather to the cashier, join some kind of club (sport, another hobby, volunteer work) that lets you or forces you to talk to people... You'll slowly feel less nervous and people

Persistence is the key but here are some hints to make it easier:

1. Make a list of things you like, and find people who have similar interests. You can get better at chatting with people you don't share interests with, but it's a bit of a dead end. It's normal to run out of things to say if someone only likes cars and football while you hate those things.

2. Don't care too much about what other people think of you. Maybe some think you're boring in the beginning, that's okay, not everyone needs to like you. There are a lot of people, some will like you, the rest will just go on with their lives (it's best if they're not your boss or something though). Many shy people are very nice and care a lot about the feelings of others, which is a great quality, but don't overdo it. You're not hurting someone's feeling just with a conversation that isn't smooth.

3. There are techniques for being humorous or for telling things that happened to you in an interesting way, if you like. It's not a replacement for just trying a lot!

(it's too long...)

November 29, 2015


If you want to chat a little as practice, maybe someone is available right here on italki to have a call with? Is it easier for you to talk in Arabic or to girls? Maybe you can find someone that seems patient and nice that is learning Arabic and already decent at it. You can just have a chat, for her to practise Arabic and for you to practise small talk.

November 29, 2015

One of the reasons people feel a lack of confidence is because we compare ourselves to others.

This is OK, but we should not compare ourselves to the top 10%.

Here is how I think about myself:


1 Am I in the top 50% of all the people in terms of:

- intelligence

- physical appearance

- kindness

- generosity

- patience

- politeness

- honesty

If you answer YES to these qualities, then you are in the top 50% of the population.

Being in the top 50% is quite good and it should be good enough to feel that we are "good enough".

Knowing that should make you feel better about yourself.

Here is what I ask myself:

- Am I the best looking man?... No, but I am in the top 50% = good enough

- Am I a rich man?... No, but I am in the top 50%, so I am fortunate/blessed = good enough

- Am I the most intelligent man?... No, but I'm smart enough (top 50%) = good enough

- Am I the kindest, most patient, most honest man?... No, but in the top 50% = good enough


If you are a good person (you know if you are) and if you have good qualities, then you are good enough for anyone, so you should be proud of yourself and don't think that others are better than you.

If you are a good person, make friends with other good people, and help those who need your help.


Believe that you are good, do good deeds, make 1 or 2 good friends, and be proud of yourself because you are in the top 50%, and that's good enough for anyone.


And that's what I believe...

November 30, 2015

Dear 헤란아,
I think that you are in the right way, talking about your dificulties and seeking for solutions. I agree with the previous suggestions. Though shyness is not exactly my speciality, I would like to propose a rethorical question: Do you feel happy when you can help somebody? In the same way, I think people will be glad in responding your questions and attending your demands. When you feel shy, remember that you need people as much as people need you. Good luck!

November 29, 2015

I agree with Mark's advice. I also think it's SUPER important to not care what people think. This is easier said than done, but it's a big step in building confidence. You need to remember that everyone is just like you--they have insecurities and they all want people to like them. Some people will hide this better than others, but at the end of the day, we are not all that different from each other.


I'm also a shy person, so I do understand that it can be really hard to seem confident when you are not. Start out to just try making friends with people who are also quiet and shy in your classes. Sit near them and ask questions about the class ("Do you understand the homework?", "What is the teacher saying?"). You probably won't instantly become best friends with them, but when you smile and ask people questions or talk to them, it shows that you are friendly. Try asking one person a question every day in every class. It helps to build up confidence and, after a while, you will realize that it is easier than you think.


When you are having a conversation with somebody, the trick is to ask them a lot of questions. People like to talk about themselves, so if you ask them questions about themselves, they will talk and you don't have to.


It's hard at first, but practice speaking a lot and you will get better. Remember that most people are also worried about what you think of them.

November 29, 2015
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