1. A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the father. His wife asks impatiently, "So, is it a boy or a girl?". The logician answered, "Yes."

2. Two chemists walked into a bar. The first one says, "I want some H20." The second one says, "I'll have some H20 too." The second chemist died.

3. Question: Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Answer: Because all proper teas are theft.

4. Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.

5. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" The bartender asks. "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

6. There are only hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things and off-by-one errors.

7. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.

8. Entropy isn't what it used to be.

9. Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church and the priests says, "We don't allow Higgs Boson in here." The Higgs Boson then replies, "But without me, how could you have mass?"

10. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything"

11. Why do computer scientists confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

12. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do you all want a drink?" The first logician says, "I don't know." The second logician says, "I don't know".

13. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. The cop pulled him over away and says, "Son, do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I knew where I was."

14. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's Einstein's turn to count. So he covers his eyes and started counting one to ten. Pascal runs off and hide. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and opens his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton, I found you! You are it!" Newton smiles and says, "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He didn't react.

16. Did you hear about a man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's OK now.

17a The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with twelve loaves of bread.

    b. A programmers wife sends him to the store and says "get some bread, and while you're there pick up some eggs" The programmer never came back.

18. There's a band call 1023MB. They haven't had any gig yet.

19. Jean Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of, Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like to have a cup of coffee please, with no cream". The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur but we are out of cream. How about with no milk."

20. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and plumber. Ask them to pronounce, "Unionized".

21. A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

22. Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?
Nobody!

23. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

24. Lenin's tomb is a communist plot!

25. A philosopher says to a linguist "What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?" and the linguist replied "They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions".