I would recommend the following adjustments for the first paragraph. It's very likely that, at this level, you would get the most benefit from reviewing this much text with a teacher. This way, you can discuss the edits and understand the principles behind them enough to make significant progress.
The main advantage is that working abroad makes you meet new people and make new friends. For example, if you work abroad in city that has a different language than you speak, it helps you learn the language very quickly because you have no choice but to speak it. It also makes you an ambitious person because you have to prove yourself and you have to be successful.