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The Kingdom

This was the poem I wrote about ten days ago.  Considering that it is quite lengthy, I only wish that you can spend some time reading it and give me some suggestions.  Many thanks.<img title="Laughing" src="http://www.italki.com/Scripts/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-laughing.gif" alt="Laughing" border="0" />

PS This poem was written partly based on the history of Perak, one of the states in Malaysia.  However, this is not a history poem as I have said that this poem is only PARTLY based on the history.  If you are interested in the original story (the history), you can search these on the Internet- "J.W.W Birch, Sultan Abdullah, Datuk Maharajalela and Perak".


The order had been disseminated;


Again the people had to pay the taxes-


Taxes for weapons, farmland, boats and so on;


Whoever refused to obey would be fined a huge sum of money,


Or be thrown into the prison,


Or be enslaved.




The people,


Moaning and grumbling;


For the order was too draconian,


For the taxes were consuming them.


Tax, tax and tax; means, means and means.




The leaders of the land, too were infuriated.


For their benefits had been ruined;


For their privileges had been deprieved;


For their costumes had been dismissed;


And for their dignities had been encroached.






The king too,


Had been incurred his wrath.


Deep within the conflagration was burning;


He knew he had been deceived-


For an immediate means to gain the throne.




Under a thatched roof,


The king and the leaders were assembled together.


The ultimate agreement they reached;


Like playing the dice.


Nevertheless they have to act.




All they had they mustered;


And they planned, discussed, planned and discussed-


To employ the best weapons,


To assemble the most loyal servants,


To select the most appropriate time.




All were soon well prepared.


The king were immensely confident;


The leaders were exceedingly steadfast;


The servants were highly spirited.


And the atmosphere was exceptionally searing.




The sunny morning had come.


On the vesssel the governor arrived.


To the villages his minions had been despatched;


To have his order put on the boards;


To have his absolute power pronounced throughout the land.




For the king a stormy morning it was.


On his balcony he was patiently waiting.


To the vessel his servants had been despatched.


To the main chamber they dashed;


only to have their efforts come to nought.




Then the whole vessel they scouted.


In the lavatory they captured the man;


A stab on his back,


Two stabs on his chest;


Into the river the body was discarded.




Eerie and beatiful the river was becoming;


In the river the red light was spreading;


On the surface the river was shimmering;


Under the Sun;


Under the glory.




On the land,


The minions too had been despatched;


The people were around the bodies,


 jubilantly singing and dancing;


Till the day departed and the darkness fell.




Victory the king pronounced to the people;


Allegiance the leaders swore to the king;


Loyalty the servants pledged to their leaders;


Jubilation the people exhibited on their countenances;


Prosperity the land seemed to prophesy.




Shining in the sky a black star was ;


Ominously leering at the people she was .


With her beautiful eyes gazing at the king;


With her attentive ears listening to the people;


With her delicate nose scenting the future of the kingdom.




The tragedy the king of the governor had been informed.


Incandescent with wrath the king had become.


Troops from several districts he mustered;


With the best weapons they were equipped.


To the colony the troops were marching.




The people could not resist the invasion,


For they were outnumbered massively.


Strength the servants were misplacing;


Confidence the leaders were mislaying;


Soon the king knew the fate awaited.




Through the kingdom the havoc swept;


Men were annihilated;


Women were defiled;


Children were sodomised;


And many were enslaved.




The gate of the palace was broken.


On the throne the king sat unperturbedly;


Surrounded by his kith and kin, ministers, generals and warriors.


To him the foes were nothing;


From the frontier the barbarians were belonged to.




One by one,


The warrior had fell down;


One by one, 


His family and friends were gone;


Bit by bit,


He had made the conclusion.




A sword in his paw, 


A sweep through his throat;


His soul rose into the ether;


Without looking back at his throne,


Without a single word said.




The kingdom had been vanished;


The glory of the past had gone;


For the King had solicited succour from the foes,


For the King had underestimated his foes;


For the will of the Lord shall be fulfilled,


For the will of the Almighty must be obeyed.


Jun 28, 2012 1:14 PM
Comments · 2

"You are getting good at this eh?" Jeff, I don't get you.  The word "means" in this poem means the money that a person has.  However, I don't know if it is suitable here.

June 29, 2012

You are getting good at this eh?  The only comments I have is that what do you mean by "taxes, taxes, taxes, means, means, means"?  I have the trouble of determining the meaning of "means".


Also I do not like the word, "succour".  It sounds too much like "sucker".  Perhaps find another word for it.

June 29, 2012