The first one is "I'm standing here judging you, you big fucking bellend." Which is an insult not unlike 'dickhead'.
And he's talking about eating a Terry's Chocolate Orange in the part after “But as far as you’re aware I did have a bowl of fruit, so I should be commended.”
I'll try to transcribe that part, but it might take me a minute! As a disclaimer, I've only lived in the UK for about a year, so I am by no means an expert. I am a fan of this comedian though, and he's often on game show programs, so I have had a bit of practice listening to him.