Maybe it is easier to correct this in that other section, for essays?
There you have highlights & cross-outs.
Getting a job first will have many advantages for you. Therefore, I strongly suggest getting a job is a better idea for you. On the job, you can gain practical experience, learn skills from your colleagues or experts, who are endless resources for you; earlier building great relationships in your network brings you a great opportunity to get noticed in your career. But finally, you may earn money from work and broaden your work at the same time without wasting time in textbooks.
I remember you have great skills in software development and IT. Those are in are great demand. I assure you that you will get a good position with either an international enterprise or a local corporation.
Thus is ok, but less common.
strongly suggest - probably what you are looking for
On the job, you can ....
While working, you can ...
By working, you can ...
earlier building great relationships in your network brings <-- "s"
great opportunity to expose yourself in your career. - sorry not sure what you mean
But at last --> But finally, or finally
There are many ways to say things. I gave you just one way.
Others may be able to offer better expressions.