Marriage in Islam -- Part Three The Islamic Alternative In the Islamic system of family, there is an emphasis on keeping the society pure of sexuality and retaining sexuality from public. The family is the most important unit of society and it must be preserved and strengthened. Therefore, making new families should not conflict with the safety of other families. There are rulings in Islam just to guarantee this result. For example, it is forbidden for people to have intimate talks or to joke with the other sex, if they are not in the family. Women are forbidden to expose and emphasize their beauty through revealing clothes and using jewelry in public. Just as such is the ruling that forbids men from looking at women’s body and beauty. Of course, these rulings only apply to people out of the family. In the family, however, things must be beautiful, lovely, and intimate. Between husband and wife, there are absolutely no boundaries. But, what is the suggested way for finding a good husband/wife, when nobody is to talk to and look at their possible partners? Here is what I have learned from scholars and books, with my own adjustments. It comes in a couple of steps. 1. Talk to your parents The first step is to talk to your parents and tell them about your decision of getting married. Not to ask them permission, which is also a good thing by the way, but because you are going to need their help. They acquire most of the primary information that you are going to need. Men’s mother, who has a good grasp of their taste in looks, can give the process a huge boost by eliminating the unfavorable options. If she is asked, she can make a list of good-looking choices. Then she can show them pictures of the possible options to look at, which is also acceptable with no forbidden intentions. Same is true for women’s father, if they felt they felt sensitive of their future partner’s looks. You can assign your parents and brothers and sisters to survey friends of the possible cases, about their manners, behavior, family culture, and other matters you find important in your future spouse. Of course this is better to be kept secret and subtle if you wouldn’t like everyone to realize your intentions. When you take these two steps with the help of your family, you will narrow down your list without even getting involved in a relationship, which means no possibility of suffering a heartbreak and zero percent risk of perversion. Now you are ready to make your primary move. To be continued.

Marriage in Islam -- Part Two Previously we talked about two problems with the conventional types of marriage common in the West and other parts of the world. Here is another two. The third problem is not emotional, but behavioral. A man passes puberty and starts his youth with an eye on every woman’s beauty, and examining every part of their bodies, will have a very hard time looking down, and avoiding women’s beauty after their marriage. Same goes for women who are used to seeking men’s appreciation for their looks, will not be able to keep themselves from showing their beauty to stranger’s after marriage. The system of see-and-be-seen creates a shaky and unstable marital bond, and puts family security at risk. Husbands will end up mad at wives seeking strangers’ admiration of their beauty, and wives will be angry at husbands trying to feast upon unknown women’s looks. Another difficulty that this procedure causes, appears after their marriage. According to a famous saying, “Nobody is perfect.” Everyone has pros and cons. When a person finally choses a long-term partner and marry them, it is because they have the most advantages. But when the high-tide of love at the beginning of the marriage passes, then partners’ disadvantages start to appear. Disadvantages that were absent from other pre-marriage partners. Even some advantages had stronger presence in those partners. Now, the era of comparison starts, each party is compared to other people in different aspects of personality and appearance. Family fight is a go. Satisfaction from one another is over. Divorce, now, looms large. In the future part I will write about the Islamic alternative. To be continued.

Marriage in Islam -- Part One I was born in a Sheikh family in Qom, Iran. One of the most religious families of one of the most religious cities of one of the most religious countries in the world. Everything around me was so religious that I barely knew how normal people live. It took me years to understand how normal Iranian families marry their children, and how does their marriage work. When I learned English and started to study and examine Global cultures it was a great deal to me to know how people around the world, and particularly American and European countries get married. Then I got married and in the meantime analyzed how other types of marriage worked. I came to the conclusion that, as always, a God-given path for doing anything is way better than a man-made one. What is wrong with the conventional method? This is how marriage in Western countries work, correct me if I am wrong: When children come of age, and even before, they meet people from the other gender. The two partners observe each other's beauty, and get familiar with each other's likes and dislikes, they talk about and examine their tastes in everything, even in sexual preferences. Then they meet their parents and families. If, at any point, they did not match each other's liking they split ways. This repeats until they find their “true love” and get married. This method for starting a family looks good, and apparently leaves no margin for error. While actually it is not totally flawless. First off, the most obvious issue with this method is the high risk of traumatization. When young people meet a person so good-looking that fits to be their long-term partner, they will start to depend on them and make hopes and wishes around them. And if a party decides to break up, the other party will be left with deep wounds in their heart, as many have experienced it. For the same reason, the second problem arises. Partners would overlook each other’s disadvantages that would trouble them in the long run, just to avoid this trauma. This could happen consciously or subconsciously. Problems that they overlook, normally turns into future fights, and occasionally ends a marriage in a divorce. So, a method consisting of pre-marriage friendship, mostly ends in emotional problems, no matter it comes before marriage or afterwards. To be continued.

Happy Father's Day! Fathers are great. They buy you candy. They buy you toys, all kinds of toys. They throw you in the air. They take your hand when you walk. They bear all kinds of hardship just to make you feel comfortable. They take all risks just to let you feel safe. You love your father. I love my father. I am a father, actually; and it is just a miracle of God that makes a father so passionate. You as a boy, so selfish and ignorant, never imagine that one day you can become so generous and loving as a father. It is said that when God created humans, He put one percent of his passion and love towards the creation in moms. We, dads, are almost as passionate and loving, I guess. So that must be pretty amazing – to have some miracles in you. And I believe every parent deserves respect for that. Some might wonder why there is a post about Father’s Day in April. Should it not come out on June, they ask. The truth is that we as Muslims and particularly as Shia, honor the birthday anniversary of Imam Ali (peace be upon him) as the father’s day. (Those of you who do not know him can google him. He is pretty googlable!) It is, possibly, because he is the father of our Imams. But I think that the real reason is what the holy prophet of Islam (pbuh) said about him. Ali and I are the two fathers of this nation. He is a person who took all the risks to keep the path of guidance safe from wrong-doer’s offense. He is a person who underwent countless hardships to safeguard the truth when ignorant people jeopardized it by their mistakes. He is a person who kept saying, “I will not be the one who starts the war.” He is a person who dug wells and planted trees in extreme numbers, and just handed them to the poor at the end of the day. He is the one who always ate a hard loaf of bread with a little salt, while he anonymously fed the orphans of his town with milk and date. He is the one who blames his soldiers for not defending a non-Muslim woman in Muslim territories. He’s the one who paused a heavy war, just to answer a truth-seeker in the enemy army. And the list goes on and on! It is never going to stop. But it is going to make humanity proud. If you want to feel proud that you are a human, just read his biography. Just look at what a human is capable of. Just see how beautiful you can become in your heart. This is the father of whom I am proud. Happy father’s day!