Tìm kiếm từ nhiều giáo viên Tiếng Anh...
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I've decided to return to notes in English because it's the best way to learn grammar and to develop a sense of the language. I feel a little depressed and despaired during the last week, I think it could be related to the spring that has come in my beautiful and mournful city. Spring is always a time when you've already survived winter and won this terrifying cold race but haven't found a new sense to live yet. I have many projects and tasks, many demands from the Big Other which is represented by the University, professors, competitive capitalistic culture, e.t.c. But I don't feel that anything can touch me and make me alive and struggling again, everything has stopped and I can't feel the flow of the time into myself. What makes the situation even more difficult is the recognition that I need my friends more than they need me. I've put together a care package for my best friend who lives in another country now, but he hasn't taken it from the post office. I've written a letter where I told him how much I love and miss him, I've bought a scarf he should like and a book about the city which I would like to visit with him. Now I'm just looking at the track number of this package and becoming aware that it's returning to Saint-Petersburg soon. It's like a symbol of my love which I'm offering but always get back as a useless thing.
It's not the best story to write in the public resource, but I feel calmer now and have a hope that this bubble of loneliness will blow one time. And maybe my small package will have waited for its receiver.
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Do you have any advice for a person, who is completely unable to learn English?))
Sometimes (today, for example) I truly hate people who destroyed the Babel Tower, because learning of languages is a kind of a personal curse for me. I'm really clever person. I have pretty high IQ level,, I'm succesful in understanding of Jacque Lacan, Derrida, cinema theories, neomarxism and etc. I'm good student and promising researcher. But when I think about my English level I want to make the MRT to understand what's wrong with my poor brains. I'm learning this pretty simple (as normal people tell) and logical language for two years, and also I have some background from schooltime. And I still can't hear english speech. I'm pretty good in reading and don't almost use the translator for understanding of texts. Also I can write when it's necessary (as now, for example)). But when I try to take part in discussion with my english-speaking friends or watch films, I feel really disappointed by all my skills in English. I can understand separate words and phrases, but speech stays disrupted for my ear, I can't hear it as the entire one. I'm musician, so it's really strange for me to have problems with phonemic hearing. I feel really bad about that and sometimes think, that I'll never speak in English, never can share my mind with fellows in their mother tongue. What a shit...
If you have any advice for me, I'll be totally thankful.
And grammar corrections are welcome as always :)
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Is the self isolation a torture or a moment of truth?
As all our poor planet I'm on the self-isolation now. It continues for only a week in my country, cause our epidemiological situation is not as awful as in the most of european countries. But I already feel internal shifts in my psychological condition as well as shifts in digital space, which becomes more real and alive than our phisical world. Now I understand, that the covid-19 became a frightening and cruel, but very effective engine for moving of all our communicational, professional and educational processes into the virtual dimention. Neither new technologies, neither scientists or politicals, but virus has shown us how small our world and how stong our links at this tiny blue globe. The 2020-quarantine is not just a silent isolation, but it's a kind of scary laboratory, where people arrange new digital communities, many of which are pretty closed and exclusive. And although digital space seems to be only possible topos of real democracy and horisontal relationships, now we can see how new hierarchies occure in spheres of art, politics, economics etc. So there are a lot of new questions. Will we be visible in this new digital world? What kind of people will be endowed with a power in it? How can we catch the moment and join to this new influential communities?
"May you live in intresting times" as old chinese curse tells.
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Happiness is....
The beginning of the year wasn't really easy for me. I had to change my schedule totally, because I needed extra money. So I left my studing at the department of Free Arts and Sciences (which was a kind of escape for my soul), and found two different jobs to earn more money. I felt intellectual and social isolation during this month, but today I made a desicion which helped me to built a new perspective of my life. This morning I decieded to buy the ticket to the UK, where my best friends live. We met last year, when they were studing Russian in my University as exchange students. I never thought people with very different backgrounds, languages, politics could become so close and valuable to each other.
We have many terms in Russian to define different kinds of relashionships. We have analogies for friends, comrads, familiars, buddies. But we have no translation for one very important and very deep link, which is called "soulmateness" in English. It's more than just friendship or crash of another formal relationships. It's something too difficult for verbilisation, something out of borders. My friends are my soulmates, and possibility to see England, which was my dream since 13 years, is less tremendous for me now, then perspective to see their beautiful faces.
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About job and childhood traumas
I have had impossibly difficult January (as the whole world, I guess), but it brought very important changes into my life. The point is that I couldn't find a job during four months, and it was a kind of very pressing problem for me. I'm pretty grown up (21 years old), and my parents are not very rich people. So every thousand of rubles was a prickly moment for me. I'm only child in family, and my parents made the aim of their lives of me. And it probably was their main mistake, cause now our bonds are painfully strong, and I feel a kind of guilt about them while they miss me too much living in another city. I'm a student, so I have this unspoken rule to have no job during my studying, but I always think about my parents, about all possibilities they didn't have because of hard times of their youth, about all joys, that I can give them if have a little more money. I'm really interested in studying, and I always take more classes than it's necessary. I'm afraid to become silly without my regular amount of intellectual workload, but my burden presses me too strong. I just hope to be rational, brave and fast to safe all things that are so valuable for my heart. But sometimes I feel very lonely, like a small girl trying to fight with indifference around and enemies inside far from her closest people.
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About Russian and English languagrs
I have one very speculative, but pretty interesting thought about my native Russian language and English, which I have been studying the last time. I guess, English helps to bring your thinking to more structured and logical form, while Russian often leads your thoughts away the topic, that was chosen firstly. The point is that English has very strict structure. U can't just change words' sequence the way u want, cause noun has its own place, and verb has an another one. So u need to have exact vision of what you want to say before your speech's beginning. But in Russian we have no strict rules for words' order in sentence, so u can start your talk even without exact purpose of statement... So, I think, Russians are less able to conduct their own speech because of degrees of freedom in language.
And what do you think?
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On my best friend department
Today was the last day of my best friend's trip in Russia. Our friends help us to love ourselves even when we have no strength and proofs for that love. I have many psychological problems and sometimes I think that I have no possibility to cope with them, sometimes I feel that I do nothing for this world and people around. But my friends appear at this time and give me another chance to be kinder and closer to myself. Friendship is a real source of life, it's not a metaphor. We're from different countries and cultures, our governments have a lot misunderstanding and disrespect to each other. She is great in Russian, but it's still not her mother tongue. What about me, I'm pretty far from good English level. And we're together despite of all this differences and gaps in our backgrounds. And when she is near, I feel much stronger and more self-confident. Sometimes sight of friend, her hugs and warm words are better evidences of your necessity that arguments of CBT.
I hope, someday I would learn to look at myself with one percent of this love and acceptance, that my beloved friends have for me.
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About my feminist english speaking club
I have been being member of feminist english speaking club for more than a year. It was founded by my very close friend Harriet who arrived in Russia from the UK as an exchange student. She wanted to be not just a spectator, who has privileged position and judge about Russia from the point of western optics. She decided to become a part of political and cultural processes in the country and she made this club on the base of feministic space in Saint-Petersburg called "Eve's Ribbs". Harriet's project has never became just a neutral territory for a language skills training, but it turned into mix of speaking club, lectorium, discussion space and therapeutic group for women and men, who had traumatic experience being immersed into context of the russian patriarchate. This December Harriet visited Russia with her girlfriend, and she was very happy to see the club continuous to exist and becomes more and more popular among people of different genders and cultural backgrounds. Foreigners often visit this place, so we have possibilities of international discussions and, what is the most important, the chance to share experience of feministic movement in conditions of aggressive and fundamentalistic politics of russian government. I'm happy to be part of that nonconformist but very safe space.
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Social media activity as machine of identity's capitalisation
I think it's quite common for people who have an active position on social media to feel anxious about whether they are in demand by their friends, followers and unfamiliar public in the digital space. he flow of information is extremely rapid on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other social networks, so if you don't want to disappear drowning in that stream you need to state your presence and ability to be up to date.
You exist in that space only while other people remember about uniqueness of your identity and while they agree to buy it with signs of attention (likes, shares, twites and etc).
So our importance and stability of our personality depends on our mental and visual production in social media, which shapes our digital identity and makes us visible for Other. Bloggers and popular figures in different social webs make statements not because of strong need to tell or importance of problem, but for being in the field of view, which becomes only one guarantee of our true existence for the world.
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About benefits of my classes of cinema theory
I have recently understood that I had begun to feel pleasure from watching of Tarantino's films, which were pretty far from my preferences before. It means for me, that my cinema theory classes help me to acquire new type of sensibility to cinema production. I understood, that films of Tarantino are not just trash cinema with funny plots, and not just cinephilic project maden as declaration of love to cinema as phenomena. But they are attempts to rebuilt the justice for such segments of society which were marginalized and separated from political and discursive power. Characters of Tarantino's films are traditionally agents of historically discriminated communities - woman lost her child because of wish of her boyfriend, who recognized her as his property; man of color, who was slave in America of 19th century; jewish people, who execute their revenge for crimes of nazi. All they acquire the subjectity they couldn't have in historical prospective. So Tarantino carries out the wish of people in the impossible justice for all victims of cruel systems of hierarchy and discrimination, which have been penetrating the cloth of history during thousands of years.
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