some IELTS writing practice

Some people think the main purpose of schools is to turn (the) children into good citizens and workers, rather than to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? 
One benefit from (of) improving students' sense of citizenship is that it can help to build a more balanced (steady) and prosperous society.Students who are taught (educated) to become (be a) good citizens or workers are likely (may be able) to take more responsibility and be more community orientated (sacrificed in their daily life) than those with an individual streak. (the ones who think highly of individualism.) For example ,the former (ones) are more likely to take part in voluntary organisation programmes (volunteer organizations) serving (to serve) people who are in need. Consequently, with more people receiving (receive) help, (and) the crime rate declines. (declined.) 
Another advantage of teaching children the basics (importance) of being a good citizen and worker is that they may well turn out to be (might be) excellent employees with (young staff who have) a good understanding of professional ethics and a spirit of teamwork. (in the future) By working with, and putting the needs (others and think) of others, before themselves, they can provide a more efficient service to customers, (their jobs are able to be done more efficiently and) which in turn can result in a company becoming more profitable. (thus it is easier for companies to earning profit only because they have such sacrificed employees.)

Good topic and article. I have suggested a few amendments you could make in terms of phraseology.