The pie charts show average household expenditure in Hongkong and Britain in the year 2000

The pie charts illustrate household expenditures as percentages in Hongkong and Britain in 2000.

As we can see, in Hongkong housing accounted for a substantial amount of expenditure at 32%, while in Britain this figure was only 18%. In contrast the main expenditure in Britain was devoted to other goods and services, 36%, and in Hongkong it was 28%. Food came in second place in Britain, at 22%, while in Hongkong the proportion was higher (27%). The lowest proportion was clothing in both Britain and Hongkong 7%  and 4% respectively. The other major expense in Britain was transport at 17%, whereas this percentage in Hongkong was lower at 9%. 

Overall, as is evident in both countries most of the expenditure was accounted for by housing, other goods and services and food, but in Britain transport and clothing took up a higher proportion of expenditure than in Hongkong.

Hello Ghazal, 

This is a nice clear explanation, you clearly state what the charts show (but try not to use their words!) in the first paragraph and then you show the main features of the charts and then finish with a summary.

I would say that structurally this is perfect. Try not to use the same words all the time and be careful with the position of spaces after full stops and commas. Remember that if we have a list in English we do not use a comma between the last two entries but the word 'and'.

Task achievement 7+

Coherence and cohesion 7+/-

Lexical resource 6-7

Grammatical range and accuracy 6+

This is much better than the last one I checked. try to learn from my corrections. 

Bob

The pie charts show average household expenditure in Hongkong and Britain in the year 2000

The pie charts illustrates a percentage of an household expenditure in Hongkong and Britain in 2000.
As we can see in Hongkong the substantial amount of expense accounted for housing at 32% and,while in Britain are only occupying 18%. In contrast to the huge percentage of expenditures in Britain are devoted to other goods and services, at 36% and in Hongkong was 28%. Food came second place in Britain, at 22% , while in Hongkong the proportion was higher (27%).The lowest proportion was clothing in both cases Britain and Hongkong 7% ,4% respectively.Other major exspense in Britain was transport at 17%, whereas this percentage in Hongkong was lower at 9%.
Overall, as is evident in both countries ,the significant amount accounted for is,housing,food as well as other goods and services ,but in Britain transport and clothing took up a higher proportion of expenditure than in Hongkong.