Nice try. I would say you should practice on improving ㅎ in the start position and the ㅓ sound (open your mouth vertically wider to make it more disrinct from ㅗ. For where to pause, we often put a slight pause after 은/는 marking a subject (especially when the rest of the clause is long), as well as after those words that wrap a clause, such as -고, -ㄴ데, -지만, etc. But it doesn't mean you should always pause after them, as they can also connect simple words and short phrases. We should think about the flow of ideas.